Posted by Damos on May 19, 2005, at 18:21:11
In reply to Re: Waiting, Waiting........ » damos, posted by sunny10 on May 19, 2005, at 9:57:39
Funny isn't it. We can put up with people who are consistantly horrible, mean etc, but the one thing most people find really difficult to deal with is people who are inconsistent in their words and actions, you know they swing between nice one minute and horrible the next.
Ahhh yes, over analysing, now there's a familiar concept - way too familiar. My particular trick was (is) to turn everything someone does back into analysis of what I did to cause them to be tlike that. Just know that your mind will want to really latch onto stuff that fits into existing patterns, and once it;s got those sorted it'll work on trying to squeese the rest into something familiar to - which surprisingly requires a little distorting and reinterpretting of events to make them fit. So don't beat yourself up too much about it. One of the reasons we make consistently bad choices is because it becomes a pattern that we seek because of it's familiarity. Yep, even though it's painfull. Kinda like the self is saying, "I am pain and suffering, so I need to have that to be real."
I'm glad you've set an internal limit to your suffering on this one. Being prepared for the worst isn't giving up - not in any way. It's the self protection people like us need to do sometimes. We shouldn't have to, but we need to. Never having submitted myself to therapy I honestly don't know how I would be in his place. I probably wouldn't go, but I would have told you that straight up. If I really loved you and wanted this to work, I probably would have agreed to go to couples therapy to at least to give it a chance. You would have known I wasn't exactly thrilled about the idea though. I'm nearly 41 and am only just beginning to learn to talk about myself, don't do it much but am getting better. Part of it in my case is thinking that you're so pathetic that no-one would be interested in the first place, and never having been asked as a kid and actively encouraged not to express any sort of feeling or emotion. I think part of my not going is harm minimisation of sorts. It's as though the labels and processes and stuff that are likely to come out of it will just add more grist to the mill by making me believe other things about myself or see myself in more ways that only and to the problems. Not that I think I can fix everything myself or that I don't need it.
The paranoia and trust stuff is tuff, especially if you're carrying past stuff into the present. You can only judge yourself and him by what is happening now. To be trusted you first have to be trustworthy. I couldn't do the drug testing thing, but I'm not in your position and haven't been through what you have in your life and this relationship, and haven't ever been with a drug user. If it's something you feel you need to do and you're internally okay with it and it's ramifications, then do what you need to do. Personally, the fact that I doubted someone that much would be enough. But I aint you, and no matter what I won't think any less of you. Just try to stay in awareness and focused on the moment to stave off the paranoia. If he's in the bathroom, try to focus not on what might or might not be happening in there, but on what you are doing. One of the methods I use when I find myself going of on other mental tracks is to label. It's really silly but it does actually help. For example if my attention is drawn to the sound of a car outside I'll say to myself 'Listening, Listening, Listening' and I'll mentally label every motion for simple things like drinking a cup of coffee, "Reaching, grasping, holding, lifting, sipping, swallowing...." and if I'm eating or drinking or whatever I try to experience it with my whole being. It's really hard at times but I know the way I am with people is much better now as I try to be completely there, not physically there and mentally and emotionally somewhere else. Loving and past hurts automatically mean our judgement is impaired, so agsin don't beat yourself up too much. We want to believe what we want to believe, regardless whether it's good or bad for us in the long run. I still don't believe that M******* is a bad person, I still love her very much 22 years on. But she is trouble, danger, hurt and pain for me and I had to let it go. It took a long, long time to accept it no matter how much I wanted the truth to be different I couldn't make it so. The worst part is I always knew it deep down inside but did everything I could to deny and distort it. Last nights episode of lost brought it back to me when Boon had the experience of imagining his sister dead and Lock asked how he felt, he said relieved. Sadly that's how I feel now that M and I hadly talk or anything - relieved. G*d I hate admitting that, it really hurts. BTW M was also one for never admitting that she'd ever done anything that hurt anyone and constantly making dreams for the next big thing - stilll is by all accounts - her son and I are still pretty close. Sad to think he considers me the only stable male figure in his life.
BTW, I don't honestly think there is such a thing as perfectly well-adjusted. I think it's a myth, and like they say faulty foundations make for unsound buildings. And most of foundations due to parental and other influences as we were growing up seems to have undermined many of our foundations. But like with old building you can shore 'em up and re-stump them or put in new piers. It's a lot of work but it can be done.
Yeh, it would be nice to have a visitor, my housemate would go apoplectic but what else is new. Funny, I have the same problem about being everywhere I go - what's with that???
Sounds like we're running parallel programs Sunny. but I think you're being way braver than me.
Just hoping good things come your way. My thoughts, hopes and wishes are with you.
(((((Sunny10)))))
poster:Damos
thread:496008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050513/msgs/500040.html