Posted by sunny10 on May 19, 2005, at 9:57:39
In reply to Re: Waiting, Waiting........ » sunny10, posted by damos on May 19, 2005, at 2:54:35
yes, the mixed messages are the worst part, I think... But then, maybe I overanalyze things...lots of other things were discussed over two nights and a day and a half... these are what stick in my mind. But I know it's a slightly faulty mind, you see!
The Time Will Tell thing you mentioned- "the longer it takes..." well, I have imposed a cut-off time for myself... I told him that, yes, I would wait until he moved into his own place. And that he could make his first appointment right after he moves.
But I DIDN'T tell him that I am only giving him until the 15th to make that appointment. That's my own personal cutoff. If he hasn't made one by then, than he is obviously not as committed to this relationship as I am.
He ALSO doesn't know that I have ordered a hair analysis drug testing kit. He gave me a reason to not trust him when he said that he wasn't doing drugs anymore (then turned out he was- over three months ago, twice), so the only way I will know if I can trust him again is to test his hair. The drinking too much thing started after the drug incidents. Substituting one high for another has occurred to me. So has self-medicating.
He wears it very short (I cut his hair for him with the clippers), so his current hair will show whether or not he has used in the last month or so. He has it continually buzzed, so it will be safe to assume that he doesn't have any hair left that was on his head three months ago when I caught him.
I know this sounds like I should just give up on him- gee, sunny10, sounds like you can't trust him so what are you waiting for? But the truth is that I HAVE been known to be paranoid and disbelieving in the past and proven wrong...If he WAS drinking too much to substitute for the coke, then I am wrong- maybe I haven't heard him sniffing in the bathroom (there's an exhaust fan in there- a really loud one, too) hard to say if I actually hear something or I'm hearing what I think I might hear instead of what is actually there to be heard). I believe my pain at being deceived has caused some paranoia. I have gone looking for proof since finding it those two times and come up with nothing, so there is a chance that I AM paranoid, not just paranoid about being paranoid, if you see what I mean. (What has happened to me? I used to make sense...)
I am hoping that I can prove myself wrong, here, and that I can trust my judgement when it comes to my SO's character. But I DON'T trust my judgement...I don't know whether I'm paranoid but right about his moral character, or if he really can't be trusted and my judgement is impaired. If the test comes out positive, then I can't trust my character judgement and will walk away- straight to the therapist's chair! And if it comes out negative, I will STILL walk to my therapist's chair to discuss paranoia...
I AM thinking about ME and what is in my best interest, don't worry.
Yes, he's got issues- so do I. If I was perfectly well-adjusted, I wouldn't have come looking for support at Babble!!
On the other hand- wouldn't it be so great to not think at all and just give away my cat, sell my belongings and just take a plane to your place after a stop at Susan47's????
Ah, the power of a great daydream...The curse of overdeveloped "fight or flight" instinct.
Only problem with it is that everywhere I go; there I am...
Better learn to stay put and deal with who I am and try to learn to like myself, trust myself, and take care of myself...
From the steps I outlined for you above, I think it's pretty clear that I am at least trying to take care of myself, trust myself, and therefore like myself... What the actual outcome will be? Well, that I don't know yet... The jury is still out on that one!
I'm just doing the best that I can...
((((((Damos))))))
poster:sunny10
thread:496008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050513/msgs/499841.html