Posted by damos on May 19, 2005, at 2:54:35
In reply to Re: ((((((((((Damos)))))))))), posted by sunny10 on May 18, 2005, at 9:33:02
> thanks for the hug.
Hey, it was my pleasure. Sorry it wasn't IRL as you could probably use it by the sound of things.
> Everything is the same as last week.
>
> I am just so tired of being locked into a state of waiting.I'm sorry to hear that, waiting really sux, especially when it feels like your whole life is on hold.
> I have promised to give my SO this time (until June 15th) to gather his own thoughts and not talk about "the future of us", but it is so hard to bite my tongue when he says things that are ambiguous.So what, that'll be around 2 months he's had to get his act together. Even for a bloke you'd think that that'd be long enough. At least it should be long enough for to make a decision not to muck someone else around while you get your act together.
> He says things like, (1)"we should also check out Texas by the beaches- we don't have to move to Hawaii to live at the beach and have great weather year 'round", to (2)"we should go back to Rehobeth Beach this summer- we really liked it there last year", to (3)"I can only deal with the actual beach for a couple of hours, then I want to show off and take my beautiful woman off the beach to make love and everyone will be jealous", to (4)"it's really great that I can work my schedule around my new rock climbing partner. He has family obligations, but now there's only one family to schedule around instead of two".Hmmm, gotta say I don't much like the sound of (3) as it kinda makes it sound as though you're there just to support his self image and ego. The others are kinda confusing too - nothing quite like mixed messages to add insult to injury.
> Any of those statements could be taken any number of ways, both positive and negative (though the last one can only be positive if it was a test to see if I would react- he needs to feel loved, too) but I can't ask questions- I've been asked to give him time. And since I know that he HAS these anger management issues BECAUSE he's got so much on his mind, it wouldn't help if I bent my own promised boundary.
Whoa!!!! Now hang on just a minute. He has anger management issues because he has anger management issues. The stuff that's on his mind only exacerbates and/or triggers the anger off. The way he does or doesn't deal with stuff is separate to the stuff - okay. Please forgive me if I get preachy here, I care is all.
I do think you've got the right to express confusion at the mixed messages, since he's the one bring up plans for the future when 'you're not talking about the future.' And if he's just trying to bait you with some of the comments, well that's just as low act all things considered and you deserve better.
> That's the downside to boundaries.... sometimes they tie your hands. But it is important to me to be a person of my word. How can I expect HIM to keep promises if I can't?!?
>
> So I wait. I wait to see if he is really going to keep his promise of going to the therpaist. If he can go with an open mind, he WILL get help, he WILL get some help in dealing with the fact that he gave up his entire lifestyle of the preceding twelve years. It was his choice to make these changes, (he knows that he has outgrown this lifestyle) but we all know that change is hard- even if we know we need it.Sounds like espoused theory and theory in use to me. I say one thing cause that's what I know people want to hear (espoused theory), but I continue to act in ways that conflict with my words because that's the way I really want to be (theory in use), and everyone should just get used to it. I work with a bunch of them. The longer he puts it off, well you know the answer.
> He makes 15 dollars less per hour. He no longer sees the friends that he saw EVERY EVENING. He doesn't "shoot over to Boulder for a concert with his buddies" a couple of times a month, doesn't hang out with buddies to "do recreational drugs". We are talking MAJOR lifestyle changes, here, and he doesn't talk about them with me- probably because he thinks that I will feel either at fault because he moved here "for me" or, at the very least, under pressure to "replace" what he has lost in some way.He didn't do anything "for you" okay. He did what he wanted to - no-one forced him to. Maybe all he really chose to do was run from one thing he wasn't prepared to deal with into another where all that stuff is creating another situation that he's not really prepared to deal with, other than by using the same broken processes. Don't know, can't judge.
> But the upshot is that either way, I'm the one that deals with the repercussions of the emotions that bottle up inside of him. I'd prefer to hear him talk and deal with the "feel guilty or not" scenario than get strangled when he's drunk!!!Responsibility - the ability to choose your response. Getting drunk and/or violent is irresponsible in the extreme as is prejudging someone elses response to something and then *beating* them up about what you've decided.
> I'd rather have him talk to a professional to help him deal with it!
>
> So- I made that "time boundary" to make him feel safe and to give myself some time, too. Now I have to deal with not needing as much time as he- but needing answers. Answers that HE can probably not answer, anyway- but the therapist will, as we are seeing the same one for the purpose of turning individual therapy into couples therapy ONLY IF the T determines that my SO is NOT just a manipulator. I have found that I am not a very good judge of character when it comes to my love life. I need to let the professionals make the distinction this time. Because I love my SO, but, other than a rare few, everyone is telling me to drop him like a hot potato. Oh well...time will tell.
>
> I am just hating the waiting. I am as alternately paranoid and loving as I was this time last month...
>
> Waiting, waiting...I really feel for you Sunny. It's a lot to carry on your own and still get on with living as best you can. I'm proud and amazed by you, and I'd happily telepathetically transport myself to your couch and wait with you anytime if it helped.
Take care sweet girl. Hoping for good things for you
XOXOXOX
Damos
poster:damos
thread:496008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050513/msgs/499724.html