Posted by kalyb on June 2, 2003, at 14:06:22
In reply to Girls, girls...., posted by whiterabbit on June 2, 2003, at 10:05:06
Well Gracie,
thank you for a long and interesting post, giving a different perspective. I think you are absolutely right, and I know there are many women who feel the same as you. I have met many of them myself, and also men who feel the same way too.
I think I must say though, that women like myself (and kara lynne, possibly too) are a very small minority. This is why I've not met many who feel the same, and from reading kara's post, clearly she's not met many who feel that way either. There aren't many of us. There are plenty of women who have been through marriages - good and bad - and who love being single. There are single women who love being single. But I know that *I* have rarely met anyone like me, a single woman who would rather not be.
Gracie, I mean no disrespect, but being single is your choice. You have had a long relationship/marriage that ended sadly and you know what that is like. But I know I haven't, I've always been on the outside looking in. I don't feel I need to justify wanting something that is a normal part of human existence, and that a lot of people take for granted. In some ways we're opposites, because I've always been single and want to experience the other side of life, and you've been there, done that, and are looking forward to a glorious solo life.
Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed being single. I can cope without a man. I can survive alone. I actually really enjoy some aspects of being alone, but I am willing to compromise in order to share my life with someone. The thing is, I have been single so long that I really would like to explore the intimacy, emotional closeness, partnership and companionship that a relationship would offer... a part of life that's still unknown to me. And at 40, with some people my age enjoying grandchildren (!!) I feel I've been left behind somehow! I don't think I am wrong for wanting this.
Some years ago now after (my longest) relationship to date (1 year) I felt so emotionally bruised that I decided to stop. I figured that eventually someone would come along but I wasn't going to sell myself short. I spent 3 years celibate, not even so much as a kiss. I can't say I was totally happy, but I can't say I was unhappy either... I still had times when I felt something was missing. In a way, I was avoiding it out of fear of being hurt.... which isn't the right thing, either. But I survived, and then I made my choice like you Gracie - I chose not to be single.
Unfortunately.... luck is involved a lot in that choice. If it were a job or something I'd wanted to buy, I could have trained hard or saved up and got it by now....*sigh*
This is going to sound soooooo silly but I think it will resonate with kara, too. The little things get to you, when you have been single for so long. When I hit 35, I suddenly realised that I'd never spent my birthday with "someone special" or made love on my birthday. For some reason this made me incredibly sad, to think that I'd spent all this time alive and not had even this tiniest of pleasures. Not had anyone special who cared enough to spend that day with me. Silly, eh? Worse, when I mentioned it to friends they looked at me real funny, and said they couldn't recall if they'd ever made love on their birthday or not.... But they'd all had long-term relationships at one time or another, and admitted they'd probably have remembered if they *hadn't*.... Finally I found a friend who could view it from my perspective, and she understood how sad it could make someone feel. And Valentine cards.... the last time I got one of those was when I was 19.... 21 years ago. Same as never spending Christmas with anyone special either. Oh, I know many many people out there have spent horrendous Christmases with abusive spouses and abhorrent relatives etc. But it's another thing, when you haven't had it, you miss it, however small and insignificant it seems.
Because I have been single so long I value myself enough not to take anything that's offered, to watch carefully for signs of potential abuse, not to sell myself short or sell my soul to the wrong relationship. At least I have that.
And I guess I'd like a partnership in every sense of the word. Two sets of hands can achieve more than one, and in the economy of the country where I live, there are few jobs I can get that will keep me above the breadline. But if it were a second income, and I was sharing the costs of life with a partner, not only would I feel far less pressured financially in a miserable job for little reward, but I would even be able to save, or to contribute something towards the future.
I don't mind you feeling militant Gracie, I sure would feel the same after seeing that girl in her miserable life. But take away the baby and the husband, and that's not far off the kind of live I have. If we had trailer parks in this country, I'd have been living in one for the last 20 years.... Yes I bless myself that I never ended up in that kind of relationship, and pregnant as well, but I know I'm old enough, wise enough and strong enough to avoid that.
But still.... I do get sad sometimes.... and wonder when I might get to experience the good - and bad!!! - of a relationship. I might be able to come to terms with never having kids, but it's going to be a very bad, sad and tough life never having had a relationship, either.
love and hugs to you....
Kalyb xx
poster:kalyb
thread:230242
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030517/msgs/230835.html