Posted by kara lynne on June 1, 2003, at 20:29:23
In reply to Re: Don't be me » kara lynne, posted by kalyb on June 1, 2003, at 17:41:40
Dear lady of the woods,
I am so glad you wrote and rambled. It is indeed hard to find people who can understand this, and I am grateful to have found you.What an utterly painful experience to have gone through with your last boyfriend. The only thing I can say is that it's good it happened so fast, because in a way, my boyfriend is saying the same thing to me--only over a long and tortuous span of time. More important, I am affirming my own lack of self worth by staying in the relationship.
When I hear what your mother said to you I want to tell you how terribly wrong she was, and how very loveable you are. Then I feel like I'm looking into a mirror and realize how incapable I am of feeling that myself. I wish I could give it to you anyway.
Kaly, I am even older than you, and it just eats me up every day. I don't like to talk about a lot of this here because it does seem like many can't relate, but I'm relieved to be able to bring it up with you. Also I think deep down I'm carrying a lot of shame about it. But I think even you have a better chance than I do--at least to have children of your own. I have thought of other alternatives lately, but I have just about everything going against me, including no man who wants children, no money, and I can't see being able to get off meds even if I had the other two.
I do think this is the root of my depression also. God, I never thought I would become this woman! I just thought women like me were so sad...
And then there are stories like these: I know a woman who remarried at 45 after a horrible first marriage and no children of her own. At 46 she had a beautiful baby daughter without any extra help. I know it's rare, but it's possible.
You wrote, "There aren't many people out there like me - 40, no home of my own, unmarried, childless, useless, pointless." God, you said it, that hurts. I have written almost those very words. Even though I've gone to school to do something with my life it all seems pointless without those things. No matter what anyone says, that's how it feels.
I know I can't go on spending every waking (and sleeping) moment in this torment. Somehow we're supposed to find the strength and purpose to rally, and that is a moment to moment challenge for me.
I want to tell you again how much it helped me to hear your story. Please keep writing, it is so healing to know I'm not alone. Maybe we can help each other with something that is so hard to do by ourselves. Much love to you,
Kara
poster:kara lynne
thread:230242
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030517/msgs/230664.html