Posted by magic potion on May 7, 2003, at 19:49:35
In reply to Re: The Living Dead, posted by nhg on May 6, 2003, at 0:00:55
> This thread has been interesting to me.
> I used to think this depression was somehow the price I had to pay for intelligence. Now I'd rather be stupid and happy than continue to suffer the way I do.Bingo! I think intelligence & insight makes it far worse. Ignorance is bliss. Unfortunately, once you are 'in the know' there is no going back...you are forever aware. It sucks.
> I don't have much will to live either. I have brief moments of will. I mostly go on out of guilt - what my death would do to my family is too shameful to commit.You are right on target about that. My cousin shot himself last month. The aftermath has been devastating. Shame has played a smaller role (so far) than I ever would have thought.
The most painful part is for the people who loved him to accept the fact that for whatever reason, he couldn't or didn't go to them for help. Everyone feels that they failed him...that we let him down.
And then there are all of the questions...was he of right mind when he did it? Did he just get overwhelmed and panick? Had he waited 24 hours would he have felt the same?I just feel like it was all a big mistake...As if he made a decision based on limited information. He took a snapshot of a few bad years of his life...he didn't have a full perspective.
It is incredibly painful. The pain caused by him taking his life is beyond description. I think it took 20 years off my aunt's life. She is 'in the know' of a pain so great and she can never go back.
That situation has imprisoned me. It made my depression worse, but at the same time it is preventing me from following that course. Now that he went and did it, I could never do it. I'm stuck...or I feel stuck. (The Living Dead)
Regarding your feeling about what keeps you going: guilt is a motivator (same problem I have)... even though it isn't a very pleasant one. So, if that's what gets you through this until you can find your own motivators, then I say use it.
> But I do feel like I too am "rotting away" and waiting for life to be over. Life has not been so bad for me. I've had it pretty easy really. But I'm still miserable. I'm spoiled and miserable. mostly i am deeply and indescribably lonely.
I haven't had it easy, but my life isn't material for a documentary, either. It doesn't matter how hard or easy your life has been if the end result is that you are sad and lonely. That is really the issue....how you are feeling now. I would like to know, though, what are your counseling sessions like? Much of my counseling has been rehashing the painful past...I've got my dysfunctional biography written down now so that I don't have to keep repeating it. It bores me. I just hand it over to each new pdoc after I shake his or her hand. (I jest, by the way)
Whatever the reason, or even if there is no reason, I'm sorry you feel so lonely.
You say you've had it easy and that you are spoiled, but incredibly lonely. Does that mean that you have the freedom to not work? If that is the case--and you're probably going to balk at this suggestion--did you ever think of helping people once in awhile? Maybe tutoring kids or something...it would be a way to be around people. If not that way, then is there another small step you could take that would decrease the loneliness?
I'm not trying to blow sunshine up your a$$...I just know that there is so much need out there. It was probably a stupid idea.
It's such a vicious cycle...I withdraw from my friends because I'm depressed...they stop calling me...then I feel lonely and I get more depressed. My behavior--and I'd never admit this to the pdoc--is contributing to my problems.
> Some days the lexapro works better than others, but it never tricks me. so you might as well take it.
>
You've inspired me. Well, to be honest, your lukewarm opinion about Lexapro doesn't exactly have me running to the pharmacist. But I think you're right...having a few good days would be better than having none. I hope I do fill the prescription.The things you've said to me were geniune and I appreciate the fact that you didn't try to--and I love this phrase--blow sunshine up my a$$.
Thanks for your thoughful response!
poster:magic potion
thread:224324
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030506/msgs/224973.html