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Re: lostsailor's wedding dilemma lostsailor

Posted by leeran on May 5, 2003, at 13:35:25

In reply to Re: lostsailor's wedding dilemma, posted by lostsailor on May 5, 2003, at 9:56:00


I've thought of you quite a bit the last few days. I didn't know the date of the wedding so I was even wondering if you had decided to go.

Something occurred to me as I was reading your post. It's probably an overstatement of the obvious, but I feel compelled to say it anyway:

I think those who are single, either by choice or due to other circumstances, have a real obligation to be their own caretaker. Don't get me wrong, I think everyone has that supreme obligation, but sometimes, as we've talked about here before, single people get "guilted" into doing things that everyone else thinks would be "best" for them.

I get the impression that (at this point in your life) you wouldn't even consider the notion of hopping on an airplane and spending a week in San Francisco on vacation. I'm creating the scenario here of San Francisco just being another city on the map - not the home of your friend.

Why wouldn't you do this? For all the reasons you listed in your post, the most important of which (IMO): "I am just so scared of ending up in a hospital while there."

There's safety in numbers . . . and I understand your dilemma completely (as I'm sure everyone else does as well). If you were currently involved with someone this trip would be a completely different story. You would have some company on the flight there and back, you would have someone to hang with at the wedding, etc.

I think it takes some real practice to learn to like to travel alone. I've always admired people who enjoy solo vacations. For myriad reasons, I'm not one of them.

You are torn between pleasing this friend (who you've helped so many times before), and preserving your own health/well-being, which shows me (an onlooker) what kind of a wonderful friend you are to others. You've obviously been a great friend to this fellow for many years - and you will be a great friend for many more to come. But for now, your timetables are in opposition. It doesn't mean that you're any less of a friend, it's just a simple matter of timing. Ultimately (again, IMO), friendship shouldn't become a hazard to one's health. You worded it perfectly when you said:

b) I would love him to be there . . . but not at the expense of his mental health, which he has a history of., too.

And as far as meeting your future bride there, well, speaking as someone who spent two years navigating a cross-country relationship every other weekend - "it ain't easy" for people who don't like getting too far away from home to carry on a long distance relationship.

The other side of the coin is: what if you went to the wedding and missed meeting your bride-to-be on the running path five minutes from your condominium on the one and only day she took a different route?

Actually, I don't think you can look at this (any of it) in a "what if" manner. My father has always said "if my aunt would have had ***** she would have been my uncle." Sorry to be so crude - but it's one of those catch phrases I use when I find myself what iffing too much.

It sounds like you've made your decision based on very sound reasons. You're taking care of yourself first. Amen. Church is over, gather up the hymnbooks. That's why the flight attendants tell us to put our oxygen mask on first before we attend to our child.

I'm going to be sending you loads of positive thought waves tonight. I'm sure the call will be difficult, but not as difficult as making a week-long trip that you've felt so apprehensive about.

And although I think you would probably look adorable in a tux OR a straitjacket, in order to do so in the City of Angels you'll have to come down my way ;-)

I'm glad to see you back and I'm happy to hear you've come to your decision. And "just say NO to guilt!!!"





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