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Re: Tabitha

Posted by Roo on August 31, 2002, at 14:42:01

In reply to Re: Tabitha, regarding fierce bunnies...., posted by gabbix2 on August 31, 2002, at 13:22:34

Tabitha...oh man, I totally understand. I go through
that a lot. I'm in the downswing now, but last week I
was having all these manic fantasies about doing these
appearances as a guest speaker at this place here for recovering
drug addicts...I was going to teach them all about meditation and it's
benefits (when I haven't even meditated in a couple of months myself!)...
I was going to rock their world man, completely change their lives!
Then I started having all these fantasies about becoming an aerobics
instructor (and if you knew me, you'd know how ludicrious that is!)...I
was going to be the best aerobics instructor! I was going to have the hippest,
most rocking hip hop music! Everyone was going to love me!

I started manically sending all these revealing, as me and Gabbi would say "emotionally
promiscuous" emails to all my friends...I'd just send like this big diary entry under a group heading
of friends...at the time I thought they were bloody brillliant, but now I think I was just
being inappropriate (and at the time I thought "inappropriate? How boring! True geniuses don't
worry about being inappropriate!)...and I think I was just irritating all my friends, basically,
and seeming pretty full of myself. Then of course a week later, I'm "The Worst Person In the World", with
the lowest self esteem in the world.

Oh god....

And it's so disappointing and even somehow embarrassing b/c the part of you
knows that you ALWAYS do this, and then the down swing comes...nothing ever
happens with all that energy...it's so....oh, I don't even know the word to
describe it...absurd, surreal, existential?

Are you bipolar? Do you take a mood stabilizer? I'm not on anything right
now, so the swings are really bad. (I'm cyclothymic...seem to move more towards
bipolar 2 as I get older, for some reason, it seems to get worse)...


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