Posted by Solstice on November 11, 2010, at 1:24:59
In reply to Re: Therapy and termination, posted by Annabelle Smith on November 10, 2010, at 23:55:04
> You mention hanging in there until I visit my therapist-- which is in less than 40 hours. However, worse than this awful in-between time is the fear that when I actually get to the session, I won't be able to tell him what is going on-- and so the unreality perpetuates itself.There have been times, with my HT, that I have anticipated being unable to talk about something that I knew was important for me to talk about. What helped me most was being able to write it down and 'say' it without having to find the courage to speak it. Just tell him. Tell him of the trouble you're having describing it - and that you worry that when you get there you won't be able to get the words out. You probably don't want to overwhelm him with things to read, but maybe you could either do like you've already done and take him a post that describes it, or pick out the most important topic to you and write what you fear you won't be able to say - then give it to him in therapy.
> Sometimes I feel like just going into a session and dumping about a load of books and tons of filled crumpled sheets of paper on the floor and just say "here"-- that is the chaos. My current therapist (old therapist) knows the therapist I just terminated with actually transferred me to him when he left the center on campus. Being aware that I do project and distort reality, I know that probably, I am distorting this too-- but for now, it is how things really seem to me.I'd tell him this too.
> However, what I didn't tell him is that one of the big reasons that I needed to leave was because I didn't feel safe anymore and I didn't trust him anymore. The safety and trust were there for a little while, but after that one session where I felt blamed for being silent, accused of playing the role of the victim,When I read that in your initial post, I knew he put the nail in the coffin with that one. My TT used to do stuff like that. What are they thinking? When they make a declaration like that - where they are implying they know your hidden motives - I hate that. What has turned out to be interesting to me is that therapists are therapists you know, and part of that is for them to suggest what they see going on. From the beginning, when my HT wants to call my attention to something, it's always prefaced with something like "I'm wondering if..." or "Maybe you are..." and then closed with "what do you think?" The beauty of that is that if I think HT has missed the mark, I can say "Well, I think it's more that I...", etc. TT never let me do that. If I tried to give him more information that would clarify his declaration about what I was 'doing,' he never, ever included my sense of myself into the equation. I not only felt misunderstood, but I felt judged. It was so destructive to me.
> The therapist that I am working with now has a way of being that soothes me. His voice, his gaze, his very presence in the room makes me feel like I am held in a safe place.You are where you need to be.
> offered to give it back to me or asked if I wanted him to hold on to it for me. I told him that I wanted him to hold on to it, and he thanked me; in a genuine way, he thanked me and told me that he really appreciated that. That made me feel a kind of acceptance and validation that no explanation can ever give me,I know what you're talking about! Your therapist here is attuned to you.. and his handling of what you gave him clearly demonstrates that he is capable of therapeutic care. Without being able to infuse the client with acceptance and validation... the words they say mean nothing.
> In order for a person to be able to sit-with in the chaos, I think this person must know about that place of emptiness too and even have experienced it themselves.I'm not sure that they have to have personally experienced it. I think really good therapists are intuitive and attuned. And even if they have not personally experienced what their client is struggling with - the good ones are able to imagine themselves in the place of their client... which leads to the empathy so important for a therapist to be attuned. I'm making a point of saying this because I'd hate to see you build your confidence in his ability to help you on the belief that he has experienced it too... and then be jarred if you find out he hasn't. My HT has not experienced most of the trauma that has taken place in my life, but that has not in any way interfered with HT's ability to leave me feeling wholly understood, accepted, validated, etc. During the first year and a half or so, most of my therapy centered around the trauma of my toxic therapy. HT had never experienced it. It's probably not technically 'correct' for a therapist to do this, but there were a few times that the toxic therapy experiences I recounted struck HT like a parent finding out their kid got beat up at school. HT's valiant efforts to be guarded and neutral could not stop a glance or other reaction that revealed HT genuinely felt incensed. Those were powerfully healing moments for me. Every now and again HT would let a comment slip that implied HT felt protective of me with respect to that trauma. I didn't need HT to have personally experienced this thing to provide me what I needed to heal from it. So don't need your therapist to have felt the emptiness you describe.
> On more thing is that I have been concerned that I am too attached to my therapist. I have heard that a strong therapeutic attachment and attunement is the source for true healing and transformation in therapy. But I have been told that over-attachment can stop therapy from progressing-- it can even make someone not want to get better because then they would have to leave this safe womb, the arms of the compassionate God.
>
> What do you think?I think you should talk to him about the worries you have about it. Just like you said above. You're talking about two things there. Attachment - even strong attachment - is a good thing. It's over-dependence that can create the problems you described. A good therapist will know how to manage signs of over-dependence. Some dependence is usually necessary. I fought tooth and nail to NOT feel dependent. I'm so dependent-avoidant that my therapist did things that actually encouraged dependence. I wasn't in danger of becoming over-dependent. I was in danger of being unable to allow myself to feel the kind of healthy dependence that healthy relationships include. Talk to him about your worries.
> My only thought is that while over-attachment and extreme idealization (even enmeshment) bring with them distressing emotions while in the process of therapy and may at times foster a resistence to becoming independent and better, they still present a very powerful and real situation to work through. For me, therapy is the meta-situation of my life. If I can get through all of this and not feel the distressing attachment, I am entering a place where I am more healed. Until things are not-ok, I will feel this ache; hopefully, as I can share with another person, I will become more whole and healed and will not be so desperate for this therapeutic relationship. There will be better relationships with others and myself in life so I won't need therapy anymore. that would be the goal.You've got good instincts about it, and good insight into yourself. For the first three years of my healing therapy, my therapeutic relationship was front & center in my life. My work has been about allowing myself to feel and sustain a safe and secure attachment. From the beginning HT relentlessly attempted to get me to branch out - but my attachment avoidance made it too hard. I couldn't carry my avoidance and the fears generated by early attachment instability into relationships. It was not until after I (fairly recently) achieved that place that I was able to start putting more legs under my stool (as Dinah says :-) I know my therapeutic relationship will eventually end... and I have reached a place now where I can imagine being able to create and sustain healthy attachments based onthe template created with my therapist. That is indeed the goal.
Solstice
poster:Solstice
thread:969714
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20101023/msgs/969751.html