Posted by Annabelle Smith on November 1, 2010, at 1:13:15
In reply to Re: please help, posted by Annabelle Smith on October 25, 2010, at 6:56:06
So I thought I would post a follow-up here.
I went to see my old therapist last week, and left feeling disappointed and depressed. For months, I had longed only to see and sit and talk with him and now, when I finally get to, it is not what I had imagined. I think I have idealized him so highly that in his absence alone-- and not in his real presence-- can he meet my high expectations and demands. However, I think that I am going to go back to working with him again. I am still so attached to him-- I even feel ashamed about this. It is like when I am in the room with him, I know that we are two separate physical bodies, but psychically, I usually feel either totally disconnected, but often merged or enmeshed with him. I think that might be the source of my deep longing for him all summer. I would sometimes see him in passing on campus at my university, and when I would see him, I would feel such a deep hope and dread, like I was seeing part of myself that is trapped in him.
I think that I need to work through this attachment, but it scares me.
I feel like I am in a bad place now, being in between two different therapists and feeling disconnected from both. The time in between my sessions feels like an eternity, and I am so tired. I feel like I am losing control of myself. I am trying to lose weight, but am so stressed with all of my assignments and papers and need for applications to schools and jobs that I binge. I binged just now tonight on cookies and chips and I feel fatter and fatter and more out of control each day. The problems seem insurmountable, like I can't face them anymore.