Posted by Annabelle Smith on October 21, 2010, at 21:49:54
I really need help and feel desperate for someone to turn to. I have been on here before and spoke some then about what is going on, but I feel so alone. I am living at a university, trying to get together my stuff for my final year there. Last February, I began working with a therapist in the Counseling Center here (a free service to students), and we worked together until May, at which point I left for the summer. I became so attached to him with a very deep love. He really did save me during a point in my life where I just needed somewhere to turn. I trusted him so much-- it wasn't really always in what he said-- we often sat together in a shared silence within the chaos-- but rather it was in the compassion and being-with that he shared with me that was healing and salvific. Sometimes I would call in when desperate, and he would always return my call; he always responded to everything that I said with compassion and firmness, yet love.
He left the Counseling Center this September to go out solely into work from his private practice in town. He gave me the option to either go with him and continue to work privately or to be transferred to another counselor in the center. Because I do not have much money and already work a lot now as it is, I felt like I had no choice but to stay with the free service of the Counseling Center on campus. I started working with a new person here, but from the very beginning, I could do nothing but deeply yearn for my old therapist. I have already had about 8 sessions with the new therapist, and yesterday was the worst one ever. I always come in feeling so desperate and obsess all week about my session-- when I get there, I am so overwhelmed with what to say to my doctor that I can't say anything at all. Yesterday, I sat in silence for the first 10 minutes. He just stares at me-- and it doesn't feel compassionate, but rather feels judgmental and cold. I have so many things that I want to share with him, but feel like what I say is trivialized and not taken seriously-- thoughts of suicide most days: not really wanting to die but wanting a way out...I don't know what to do. I don't think he believes me, but sometimes this very fact makes me want to kill myself all the more to prove to him that I really do mean it.
I always leave the sessions on Wed feeling so desperate-- I enter feeling anxious and slightly hopeful and leave feeling utterly lost. There is nowhere to go to now. That is the only place I can go to and be saved-- and I am not finding it there. This morning, I called in and left him a voicemail telling him my feelings. All day, I waited for his call-- but he never responded. My old therapist would have responded the first chance he got-- he would always tell me that he appreciated my calling and that it was good to talk to me. I feel like I really need help and I am not getting it now. I can't keep wrestling with these feelings and thoughts on my own. I feel so desperate and want to be released from this hell. When I try to explain the hell to my new therapist, he often just looks at me like I am crazy. I hate him. I don't think I can make it through the weekend with all of these confused and tormenting feelings.
I don't know what to do.
I wonder if I am seeing things unclearly right now. Maybe I am seeing him as all-bad, when that is actually not totally the case. But I feel abandoned and uncared for by him. Maybe I am right; maybe I should do everything I can to pay the $100 per week to see my old therapist in town. However, I am not sure if that is good-- maybe it is wrong to go back to him. I have so many unresolved feelings with him and am totally obsessed with him. If I went back to him, I think I would fall into the patter of helpless victim needing rescue from him, my God. But maybe these strong feeling indicate a connection that I need to work through and that can heal me. I really don't have the money, but if it is what I need-- dear f*ck*ng god-- to save my life, I will pay it, anything. I don't want to die. But I just can't stand living this way much longer. Tonight is so long and like hell. That's how every day feels...when I talk this way long enough, people like my new therapist tune me out and make me fee like I am making it all up, like I am crazy and bad and should just stop. But I can't.
Does anyone understand?