Posted by Annabelle Smith on November 2, 2010, at 20:37:33
In reply to Re: please help » Annabelle Smith, posted by Dinah on November 2, 2010, at 0:06:13
Thanks, you all.
I thought that I was supposed to see my therapist today, but I got confused and it's not until late afternoon Thursday. I had gotten all prepared to see him today-- I have patterns of being and feeling during the week that structure themselves around my sessions. Usually I am most depressed and feel the most alone two nights before the session; then, the day before and the day of, I begin to feel a little hope, like there is a sort of safety and salvation-- if even momentary-- coming up. Then, I am most depressed an hour after it's over, as it will be at least another week if not longer before salvation comes back again.
When I found out today, that it's not until Thursay, I began to count down the hours until I would be there-- 50 at that point. And then I thought to myself that I could just not sleep and just wait, wait, wait.
Can anyone relate? It feels like hell.
Please, just one more thing. This is about being unable to communicate. I have this fear that even my therapist can't help me. I am afraid to call him when I feel distressed, and I can't tell him what is really going on. I think I have been imagining all along that he understands me and knows the truth from my implicit gestures and clues. But realistically, I think he has no idea. I feel unreal and disconnected from my emotions-- like I have to be everything at once. I was sitting in my class today as my professor is telling us about a borderline clinical case. I am sitting there nodding my head, as I learn the theory and am among my peers and classmates, some of whom are PhD students, on the path to become clinicians themselves. But inside, I am thinking oh my f*ck*ng God, that is me! I can relate to this case! THis is how I feel. But no one would believe me if I told them that. This is why I feel trapped. It is a bad position.