Posted by Annabelle Smith on November 6, 2010, at 22:31:29
In reply to Re: please help » Annabelle Smith, posted by Solstice on November 3, 2010, at 13:57:59
It feels like a nightmare, and I feel like a murderer. I never could have imagined that this is where it could ever bein this hell of chaos.
I kill goodness and happiness with envy. I kill the chances that I have. I kill relationships and then lament what feels like an intolerable loneliness. I am killing the people that I love by isolating myself from them, faking it to them, and then getting angry with them when I speak to them. I kill my freedom. I kill time, and I feel like I am killing my life. Hope is what is killed constantly. It all feels like a waste.
I cant tell what is real. Sometimes I feel competent and motivated, comfortable around other people and affirmed in being who I am in the moment. But more often, I feel like there is something wrong with me. Some days, like today, I feel embarrassed to exist and to leave my room is a great struggle. Being around other people feels like being consumed. All of these feelings of being stupid, ugly, fat, undesirable, incapable, selfish come up and I want to wish myself out of existence. It feels like something is fundamentally flawed with me that is not so in other people. This makes relationships so hard; but I have noticed that I usually feel the former affirmation only when being in relation with others. In isolation, it is as if there is no one to reflect back my experiences and reality, and so I begin to feel unreal and bad. It is a constant, daily, sometimes hourly back-and-forth. It colors the way that all of reality looks. Sometimes I can believe there might be hope, and God even seems real. But more often, God seems unreal and it feels like death is the only realitydeath, grief, and an aching emptiness. This goes back and forth, back and forth too.
Tonight it is the emptiness and it feels like it will never end. It makes me want to fight it by never sleeping. I dont know where the last 3 months went. Time just disappears into thin air, and I feel like I am running out of it to fix things and figure things out.