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Re: please help

Posted by Annabelle Smith on October 23, 2010, at 0:29:09

In reply to please help, posted by Annabelle Smith on October 21, 2010, at 21:49:54

Thank you all for your responses. It helps me so much to hear that other people do understand.

Solstice, wow-- it sounds like you have had a really rough time. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. As I read about your experiences with your therapist, I don't think that my current one is as unfeeling and unattuned. I don't think he would knowingly upset me on purpose; in fact, I have felt moments of genuine connection with him in the past and have felt a deep love and dependence upon him-- at least this was being fostered. That is probably why the session on Wednesday was so upsetting to me. I sensed something different going on-- he felt more removed and distant than usual. I took it to mean that he was getting tired of the way that I act: coming in, sitting down, going blank, staring at the clock, stammaring, etc. I made the comment that I felt stuck and so upset that I was wasting time, but didn't know what else to do. He responded matter of factly (I too it as uncompassionately) that it is my 45-min and I can sit and stare at the clock if I want to. He didn't help me. The worse part was his not returning my phone call. It took so much courage to dial that number and attempt to leave a message-- I waited all day, anticipating especially during the last 10 min of every hour-- but no call.

That seems small, but it reconfirms to me what I have felt all along-- the emptiness and grief that I have felt since May when I had to stop meeting with my old therapist. I felt so safe with him, and I trusted him. My time with him evokes nearly a sort of merging feeling of primal love from a very deep part of my being. That is what I grieve.

My thoughts go back and forth, back and forth. I actually have thought a couple of times that maybe my work with my new therapist can be more helpful than that with my old, because I don't feel the same kind of distressingly deep attachment to him and I might be able to talk through more things. However, the way that my old therapist helped me was in his being-with-- he is so compassionate and I was able to reach an emotional attunement with me that makes me feel safe in my chaos. I actually called my old therapist today and left him a voicemail; he responded two hours later and talked to me for 20 minutes. We talked about my reinitiation of therapy with him. It will probably cost me about $90 a week, which I can barely afford, but I think it is worth it to not feel the distress I have been feeling.

Now, I am just trying to decide whether to start back with my old therapist, whose loss I have been grieving for months or whether to keep working with my new therapist, who i am currently very hurt by but whom I have felt attached (though to a far lesser degree than my old therapist) in the past. On the phone, my old therapist told me that I had to make the decision for myself, that he couldn't make it for me; but he said that whatever I chose, I would make the right choice. One fear I have is that if I go back to my old therapist, I might have to deal with the grief of the attachments that I have formed with my new therapist. There is always grief and loss and it aches.

I think I know what my heart is telling me to do-- I think it is worth the price that I will pay, financially and the grief and uncomfortable feelings I will work through emotionally. Solstice, like you said, it is so hard to find someone who "gets" you: when you do, that is a gift. I have found that and I think must go with that-- go to the place where I am safe and can trust.

What do you think?




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