Posted by antigua3 on June 27, 2009, at 19:49:56
In reply to above for witti and dinah (nm), posted by antigua3 on June 27, 2009, at 19:01:24
Feeling this way reminds me of why I went into therapy in the first place, 19 years ago. Yep, 19 years.
I lost a baby after an amnio, and at about the time the baby was to be born, I found myself so lost and depressed so I sought out help for the first time.
The baby died from an infection contracted from a contaminated needle. At the time, this happened in less than 1% of 1% of all amnios conducted. The baby was perfect. I'm not sure at what stage they do them now, but I was about 16 weeks along. I could feel the baby moving already.
I was devastated. Furthermore, I felt like it was my fault, that I had done something to make it happen. I didn't blame the doctor, and that's the first time transference issues about my father emerged. Was it the doctor's fault? Did he contaminate the needle? Or did the needle come out of the package contaminated? It doesn't matter. The fact is that it just happened, like bad things happen to people all the time in life and they have to learn to accept it or stay stuck.
It took me YEARS to get over believing this was my fault. I'm serious. In retrospect, it sounds ridiculous that I thought it was my fault, but I truly felt that way for years. I know now it wasn't my fault and I have no shame over it anymore. It even took me six years to get up the courage to call and find out what the sex of the baby was. That just gives you an idea of how slow this process of forgiving was for me.
I can't wait that long anymore. I really thought I was headed toward the end of therapy, at least with my pdoc, but how am I going to break through this?
Maybe they aren't similar issues at all, but it's time for me to quit whining about all this and accept what happened and get over it. It's so very frustrating to want this to happen, but to be unable to make it happen. Much like wanting memories to come forth, but unable to make them. (I have learned to be careful what you wish for when it comes to this, though. What agony.)
Everything comes at its own pace, my T says, and I can't push it.
I sound so pathetic.