Posted by am3ma on April 29, 2009, at 17:27:55
In reply to Re: neivity and intelligence, posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on April 29, 2009, at 14:08:22
Thanks everyone.
Perhaps the emotions I'm currently experiencing can open the window to my problem a little further.
Firstly, I don't take constructive personal attention lightly. I'm tearful because of the openness and empathy you've all shown toward my plight. (In contrast, when approached negatively, I deal with it there and then but, the internal process takes days and up to months!)
I'm a visual artist, have been a carer most of my life, have successfully worked with the aged and disabled and homeless. I speak and present well and am seen as a strong person.
From early memory I've learnt to be afraid of people and that I wasn't worthy. I needed to be needed and consequently believed that the needs of others were a priority for my wellbeing.
As a teenager I challenged my fears and found that I could act confidently. Act, being the operative word. My sister was most critical of my behaviour and still is (sad outcome). This act has worked for me until:
My recent 'unseating' took place in the workplace where a once friendly and embracing manager decided, after 4 days' at training together, that I had something about me which she perceived as a threat to the program. This statement was regularly put to me over a three month period. The only insight I was briefly given was that she felt this way after she observed my confident interaction with professionals present at the training. I was then, terminated.
I can intellectualise the situation but the point that, there was something innately wrong with me, has had a profound effect and for the first time in my life I can't transcend this 'truth'. It has reinforced the negatives which I'm now remembering from my beginnings.
Since my previous posting, I took part in a telephone interview and have been asked to progress to the next level. Excellent. Yes I'm fighting the internal talk as past experience has told me that I am employable BUT...........but....I'm terrified as I know people can and will clearly see that there is something wrong with me.
I shall begin with Self-Defeating Behaviour literature - thanks. If there are other insights, experiences, please help me.
Thank you ALL.
poster:am3ma
thread:893350
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090421/msgs/893479.html