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Feeling melancholy

Posted by Dinah on April 21, 2009, at 19:07:21

And I know it came from today's session, though I can't for the life of me figure out why.

I told him what I'd said in the thread above. That I likely would seek out another therapist if he terminated with me. Not for forever, but to help me move on. I reminded him that he'd either given me or promised to give me a few names of people he thought I might get along with.

But I wanted to make sure that he knew that didn't get him off the hook for hurting me if that should happen. So we got to talking about all the mental health professionals I disliked. Biofeedback guy, EMDR lady (didn't dislike her particularly, nor like her), Dr. Fluffybunny, T2, T3, hypnotherapist lady, and of course the pdoc from h*ll, Dr. Just the Facts Ma'am (who in retrospect looks wonderful), and Dr. Lurch.

We talked a bit about why I didn't like each, and my poor track record in liking anyone, and he was amused by my names for them. But then he asked why it was that I liked him. And we talked about the bad old days in therapy, and how he wasn't there for me when I needed him, and how I felt like he really hadn't liked me, and that he had felt contempt for how I dressed, and that he found me confusing.

He asked if I still felt that he didn't like me. And of course I don't. I don't even feel like he ever remembers disliking me. He said he remembered it differently. That he had trouble establishing a connection with me, and that I quit often and that he tried to keep me from quitting until he realized that I would call back after a week or so. That he needed to make sure to keep the door open, or something like that.

He didn't really remember all the ways he'd let me down, but he didn't deny it. He said he didn't have as much experience then. He admitted that he probably had tried to get me to change how I dressed or to wear makeup, but softened it from how I put it. And when I said that I frequently heard him think "What the h*ll am I supposed to do with *that*!" he laughed, and said he did frequently feel frustrated and at a loss. But that he didn't now.

So why do I feel so darn sad?

All of that was in the past. Now I could swear he thinks my appearance is eccentric perhaps but endearing. He doesn't dislike me, but in fact likes me. He understands me.

I do think he thinks of me as "other". Not as an equal. As an odd little creature. But I think I'm ok with that. I think I prefer it. It helps in having him think of me as his therapee daughter, and it helps in having him think of my attachment to him as nonthreatening. And... Well.... I am an odd little creature.

So why am I so darn sad? I should be feeling cared for and accepted. And I do. So why do I feel so sad too?

 

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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:Dinah thread:891996
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090421/msgs/891996.html