Posted by yellowbird01 on February 15, 2009, at 12:35:34
I know I seem to be a stranger but I'm not. I've been here before even though I never posted terribly regularly. If you want to know feel free to PM me and I'll tell you who I was before. I just dont want to announce it on the board.
I need help. I've been depressed, suicidal, rock bottom... but I'd take those feelings over how I feel right now any day. Any second. My boyfriend of 2 years and I broke up last weekend. It's a long story. He had a traumatic childhood that hes just beginning to deal with and the result is that he isnt really able to connect emotionally to the world at all. He cant feel/label positive emotions really. He and I have been friends for probably 6 years and best friends, very close, for the last 3 or so. We're the same in that neither of us really have real true friends aside from each other. People I know, but no one I can call in tears. No one I'm comfortable with. He was my best friend and the only one I really feel 100% comfortable with. He's the only one in the world that I feel like truly likes me for who I am without me having to try. I love him. We had some great moments. The thing is, he says he doesnt love me and says he didnt really feel the love feelings I felt during our anniversary trip to the lake, or the orchards, or anything else. It's so hard for me to believe because I tend to be fairly perceptive I think, and I cant imagine truly missing that. But I know that he truly believes it. He's not feeding me a line. That I'm sure of. What led to the breakup is that he came to me last weekend and said he doesnt want kids and he's 100% sure. I'm pretty sure I do. There's no future for us. I've tried to talk him out of the breakup but he keeps saying that he doesnt want to take anything away from me in the future. He's hurting bad but his pain is because he's beating himself up for failing etc, not so much over losing me. I asked him if he'd be sad never to cuddle on the couch again etc and he said yes, but it's not a big piece of this for him. For me, it's devestating. He made me feel special and important. I mattered. I try to fit in elsewhere and I just never do.
Yesterday, Valentines Day, we had dinner at Applebees. We'd planned to go somewhere nice, have a romantic evening, but obviously we cancelled that. We already had gifts for each other. I gave him a DVD set he wanted and other casual stuff. He gave me a diamond necklace from Zales..the kind that's on TV and has several diamonds coming down in a curve with the line about showing how your love grows over time blah blah. I'd been doing pretty well but I lost it then. He said it didnt even occur to him that diamonds were associated with love and that it'd be hard for me. He tried to spin it as representative of our friendship that will be there forever etc. I do believe him that he truly is that clueless but it hurts like hell. The necklace is absolutely beautiful.. the first diamonds I've ever been given... and exactly what I would have chosen for myself. It's now in my closet. I've looked at it probably 10 times today already.
Now we've decided that for the time being, we're not going to have any real contact. A month at least. He said he'll text me occasionally because next week he's starting a partial hospitalization program at the hospital and he's nervous.. I've been through the program (and mental health system) before. I expect I'll get a text or 2 a week. But no calls. No contact otherwise. I know I need to stay busy. I'm trying. I'm not used to doing anything without telling him about it so it's hard to imagine doing something new, knowing he'll never know about it. I feel very alone.
I'm feeling very desperate. Everything in my apartment reminds me of him. We spent all our time together here. I'm trying to change little things but there's not that much to change. He's a computer person and helped me order a new laptop 2 weeks ago. It came a few days ago. I'm happy its here but I dont even want to use it. I'm still using my old one that wont hold a charge.. because he is supposed to be here to see it. There's just nothing that doesnt have feelings attached to it. I cant stop looking at photos of us at important moments (trips, etc) on my computer. I remember exactly how I felt.. and I'm trying to remind myself that even though I thought he felt it too, he didnt. He's not capable of that. But I just cant get my brain around that. We both LOOK so happy in the photos..
I saw my T last week on Tues. She called me on Tues PM because she was worried and that meant a lot to me. She is great. She told me I could leave her messages/emails every night if I wanted to to check in. I have been. She hasnt responded but that was the idea. I usually only go every other week because I cant afford more but I've switched to weekly for now. I'll just have to pay with my credit card and deal with it later. I'll see her again Tues. I'm going to ask her if I can leave the necklace at her office for a week... that way I cant look at it 500 times. It kills me how special that WOULD have been, and how much I love it, but I CANT love it. Not now. I worry about clinging to my T like this because she is the one who thinks I'm borderline. I worry about feeding that idea. But at this point.... if I'm going to be borderline, then I might as well be good at it. I do not believe I'm borderline. I can see that the reliance I had on my ex was unhealthy but I wouldnt label is borderline.
Thank you for letting me post this... I'm absolutely desperate for some support and to not feel so alone. I need coping skills. I might keep posting to this thread for a few days just so I dont feel so alone. At least then I can feel a little less alone.