Posted by SLS on February 15, 2009, at 15:23:26
In reply to asking for support, coping skills (very long), posted by yellowbird01 on February 15, 2009, at 12:35:34
I hope I wasn't too rough on you over at Social. I really gave it some more thought after reading your post here. I don't see much that I would want to change. However, I do have a better feel for what you are going through. I can appreciate the intensity of your experience.
When I was 20, I was dumped by my first love. I had no friends. I had no life, no world. She had become my world. I lost almost 2 weeks worth of sleep and had knots in my stomach for weeks. The anxiety was crushing. This love of mine had begun seeing someone else. My heart and soul were ripped to shreds at the mere thought of them being together. A few weeks passed and she contacted me, asking me if I would still see her as a friend and be part of her family while she dated this other guy. I actually thought about it, for I had no other life but the one I built around her and her family. I entertained the notion for less than a minute, though. As much as I was in love with her and wanted her back, what she was asking of me was not healthy for me. I knew this - how? It FELT unhealthy, and I very much wanted to get stronger and not weaker. Each day that I would have lived under her rules, I would be committing myself to pain and misery. I drove up to visit her to give her my answer. I said goodbye and kissed her on the forehead.
Six months later, she calls me, asking me if we could get back together. But I had already processed the loss and moved on in my new-found journey towards self-actualization. I liked feeling strong and healthy, and I decided that I wanted more time for myself to grow. I had begun making new friends and reestablishing relationships with old ones. I consented to meet her in a restaurant, and have a conversation. I realized that I had moved on and grown in ways that she had not. She was still confused about many things. I decided not to deal with confusion any more. It would have been taking a step backwards. I had no guarantees that I would meet someone else, at least not right away. But I was confident that my time would come - IF - I continued to move towards health.
What you are going through is heart-wrenching, to say the least. That everything reminds you of him speaks to just how much you built your entire world around him and your relationship with him.
You can build a new world.
I do have some other personal experiences to relate, but I need to get going.
Please, please do as Seldomseen suggests. Take one moment at a time and believe that you will get through this painful upheaval, regardless of what is the outcome. One thing that helped me was to understand that a year from now, I will have already navigated this crisis and everything would be okay.
You are traumatized. I think we all want to help you as much as we can. That you are given unconditional support can be reassuring. I would not judge you, no matter what decisions you come to along your journey.
Take care of yourself.