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Re: asking for support, coping skills (very long) yellowbird01

Posted by garnet71 on February 15, 2009, at 16:42:45

In reply to asking for support, coping skills (very long), posted by yellowbird01 on February 15, 2009, at 12:35:34

(((Yellowbird))),

I've been lurking at this board for quite a while and felt inclined to respond to your post. I am sorry you are having such a hard time.

You really said a lot about your situation here, but what really jumped out at me was this:

"He made me feel special and important. I mattered. I try to fit in elsewhere and I just never do."

I don't know how else to put this but to say, in response to what you wrote above, that what you just said is not true love at all. Loving him shouldn't affect the way you feel about yourself. (If my saying this brings about any anger from within, it is all the more truthful). You really need to love yourself before you are able to love another. Loving someone is not about how he makes you feel. This is not to say you don't care about him and don't like him very much, but I am guessing you have self-esteem problems. Your relationship with him, and this is not done consciously--is determining how you feel about yourself. In losing him, you feel you are losing your value, your worth, your specialness that you have come to know from him. Hon, you have all that stuff without him; what you really need is some soul searching!

"I do not believe I'm borderline. I can see that the reliance I had on my ex was unhealthy but I wouldnt label is borderline."

I agree that label is a bit harsh. Obviously, I don't know you like your therapist, but it could be that you have a self-esteem issue PLUS the fact that he is not providing closure (STRINGING YOU ALONG). Any individual, experiencing that combination of things, is going to have 'borderline' tendancies. Hon, boderline is permanent. I think what you are experiencing is temporary and can be changed.

It is important for you to have closure with this guy, then go through the normal stages of grief; followed by a period of being alone (no bf)--and it should be at least a year. If you can't be without a man for a year, then I would think about the possiblity of borderline...I think you are pretty perceptive of yourself, so the hard part will be getting closure from him--and even more difficult perhaps, having the self-discipline to allow or facilitate the closure.

Right now, you are mourning the 'you' that he allowed you to experience. Of course you are going to feel traumatized....Really, give it some time and you will be able to experience those feelings sans any man. And when that time comes, you will be so glad you are not with him anymore. I know its hard to conceptualize that right now, but going to therapy and support from friends and family (even people here) should help you with the grieving stage; self-introspection/ soul searching, and being alone will help you thereafter.

Right now though, you will need to bring about closure with him. Someone has already mentioned this. You can't do the next steps--grieving, self-introspection, becoming healthy enough to love, until you get the closure first. If you do not cut ties with this guy, you will be in a perpetual state of grieving--I guarantee it.

Please think about whether or not you really love him, based on true love vs. the way he makes you feel about yourself. Are you really grieving him or grieving losing your 'self' that he allowed you to become?

Maybe this isn't the right time to do that, but please think about it.

Hugs and best wishes,
Garnet

 

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