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What's wrong with me?

Posted by Kahlee on March 18, 2008, at 7:06:46

I am so tired of being hopeless. Don't misunderstand, I am not suicidal. I am a mother and that, above all, keeps me fighting everyday to find a way to make things better. I would never leave my babies. I am living in a loveless marriage. My husband is more like a roommate. We get along fine, but I have no desire to be intimate with him. We have had our issues, but he's a good man. He's never done anything horrible (cheat, abuse, etc.) I have this "pattern" with men. When we become close, like family, I am not able to be intimate anymore. Yes I was abused. Yes it was by a family member. I haven't told anyone about this but I am not in denial. I just don't see how making this information public will help anything. This site is able to assure anonymity, so I can say what I need to. Please don't attack me and tell me that I am doomed because I am not willing to confront my abuser. I am beyond depressed. I am destroyed. I carry on everyday feeling this emptiness and sadness in my soul. I want to release my husband from this union with me, he shouldn't have to live in a marriage without sex, without intimacy. I want what's best for him, and especially for my babies. I know that no matter what happens he and I will need to cooperatively co-parent for the rest of our lives. So would it be wise to end this before we end up hating one another? I'm not a bad person, but I just don't know what to do. I have been so blessed in my life, I feel guilty that I can't find a way to be happy...




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