Posted by caraher on December 23, 2007, at 9:22:12
In reply to So here's a question...., posted by muffled on December 22, 2007, at 23:17:35
Great post, seldomseen!
From my male perspective, what she says about men wanting the woman to "be there" is spot-on. Yes, it's perfectly possible to have sex with a woman "doing her duty" but what I want is a woman who wants me, rather than one who merely tolerates me or who finds the whole affair repulsive. Frankly, masturbation strikes me as a much better option.
Your question was, "Is it unfair for a wife to expect a DH to go w/o sex for years?" I'm struck by the number of unspoken assumptions that go into that question. Not to mention slippery concepts like what constitutes fairness. I think a more productive question might be, "How can I have an intimate relationship with my DH?" And don't misconstrue "intimate relationship" as a euphemism for sex, but take it at face value.
I think he deserves to know how just hard sex is for you. The important part is to make it very clear that this is your problem with sex in general, and not something about him. When he "tries now and again" I think you do owe it to him to refuse with as much love and kindness and sympathy as you can muster. Sharing your innermost thoughts is always a hard thing, but if you can't do that your relationship cannot be considered very intimate, can it?
The critical thing from seldomseen's post is that you work toward becoming closer. Being closer includes sex, but that isn't necessarily the biggest or even most important part. But it is still a part you should not neglect.
Another facet of your question is the way it focuses on your husband. You might ask yourself, is it unfair to *you*? Right now that question might seem absurd, given how you feel about sex. But enjoying sex within an intimate relationship is a genuine pleasure - why shouldn't you be able to have that? The day when that question starts to make sense may seem a long way off, but that doesn't mean you can't take steps in that direction.
Fairness. I think your husband has the right to expect you to acknowledge as normal and healthy his need for some kind of sexual outlet. He should be able to "now and again" see whether your comfort zone has expended enough to accommodate his desires (and in turn you have the right to expect him to respect the boundaries of what feels safe to you when you communicate that to him). I think he would be within his rights to expect you to work towards a healthier view of sex. And you have the right to expect some things of him as well. If you were in an extended coma would it be "unfair" to expect him do forgo during that time? The way I see it, you are injured in a way that makes a "normal" sexual relationship impossible at the moment. That's only "unfair" the way life seems cruel and unfair anytime someone has a horrible illness or injury. You aren't choosing to "punish" him (for whatever) by withholding sex; that could be unfair.
poster:caraher
thread:802166
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071215/msgs/802228.html