Posted by ElaineM on February 7, 2007, at 22:09:22
In reply to Re: The Next big Step :-) = update » ElaineM, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on February 6, 2007, at 21:17:51
>>>>>and you deserve to be loved.
Thank you for the compliment. I don't think I need love, but I guess "need" and "deserve" are different things huh? I need common courteousy and a bit of respect and equality - I really think that's all. And I think I deserve those things cause I'm alive. But I don't deserve love. The only ones who loved me are dead. And no one will love me again -- I don't expect or hope for it. So I'm okay with that. Plus, T doesn't love *me* - he loves Ex's. I'm just around.
>>>>>>>Are you a little proud of the work that you have done together?
I'm proud I've stayed. Never stayed this long with a T before. I'm proud I never slipped and revealed his name. Cause now everything is gonna work out. I'm proud he is doing hard stuff.
>>>>>>>Can you ride that wave of positive feeling and take the next big step? ...
No :( Too much. Too much stuff in my head. I don't want more change than T's improvement right now. I can't do more.
>>>>>>But I also understand that this stuff is a process.thank you for understanding :')
>>>>>>I think you're right- he's not a bad guy. He's helping you in many ways.
No, not bad -- just flawed, and mistake-making, and emotional, and a bit messed up like everyone else. No excuse - but true regardless.
>>>>>>>And you are amazing, because you are able to accept the help,
I never thought of it that way. I don't like needing help -- it means suffering and letdown when it doesn't come. I don't like taking it -- it means I'm weak. But sometimes you have to either ask for/take help, or get ready to die. Does it count if you only ask/take when you're desperate? I wouldn't do either if it wasn't combined with desperation. I would do anything if I was desperate enough.
If his name and title and efforts result in me getting proper treatment and (please god) relief then he can have me. I'd give myself to him. He could have me forever. I'd be whatever he wanted -- best friend...whatever. All I want is to be better. I want my old health back. Why did this happen to me? I thought the worst was over... it started again. :'( I'm lucky I kinda like a little pain cause I wouldn't have been able to take this past year. Now my body is as ruined as my mind. I'm glad I hate myself or I'd be sadder that the future looked so bad. I just don't want to suffer forever, with no end in sight :'( ....k, gotta stop...gonna have a cry-baby fest...>>>>>>you have some special love IN you, and I can tell that one of your greatest strengths is your ability to support others and take them seriously.
I love helping others - makes me feel a little better about myself. Thank you for saying such nice things.
I do love pink roses. I love pink everything. [But I've been good. Used to only be able to wear pink (white and black). Cause I figured people would think I was a girl, and not so ugly, and they wouldn't want to hurt me or make fun of my flaws. ANd I think males would see pink and remember I'm female and maybe be nicer or not insult how I look (or notice BDD-part). But even LadyT said I should work at wearing other colors. ANd T now. So I've been good with wearing more - sometimes teal, red, light blue. Can't wear other colors yet. anyhoo...]
You have a knack for writing soothing posts -- I hope their's someone who does the same for you. (((((LL)))))) Sorry I'm down today. Sometimes my mood control is like doing chin-ups. A few days will be good and I'll seem great, the next few I'll just be dangling below the bar holding on white-knuckled, seeming OK-ish. And after that my arms give out, and the sadness (and all the rest comes) and I just collapse onto the ground below and lay there till my arms have recooped enough to hang on a bit more. (and it's pretty impossible to convince myself I'm fine, when I'm at that level)
Sorry, I hope I didn't snuff out any of your good spirits.
thanks for being a friend :')
blove El
poster:ElaineM
thread:729230
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070203/msgs/730976.html