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Going to the hospital

Posted by Amandafran on October 30, 2006, at 19:50:43

In reply to I need some help, posted by Amandafran on October 25, 2006, at 18:23:54

I have started to loose my sense of self. I dont konw how to act in the world. I know this might sound stupid...but I really am scared. What I thought was "normal" Im finding out is NOT. Who I have been almost all my life is wrong and now my "support group" is telling me basically to get over it and that nothing has changed since I found out my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. This is easy for them to say because they arent the ones dealing with it. Every thing I do or say ..every action I take is wrong. AND come to find out that my Psychiatrist is MOVING...great timing...right when I need to increase or add something...she makes the decision to move...great. Just my luck. Could my doctor or T put me in the hospital if I stopped talking altogether? I have stopped talking because nothing I say is right...everything is being "Judged" by my doctors and therapist and so I feel like I cannot breathe. IT is better for me to not say anything than to say something that is just going to be looked at as my BPD messing up..Im able to get up in the mornings and go to work and Im functioning but I DONT WANT TO.

Literally, I think it would be easier for me to just go nuts so that I dont have to deal with being frustrated at myself all the time with every thought or thing that I do that is wrong. I want to go to the hospital just to be away from the world but I dont have the money for it..and I dont really think I fit the criteria for being hospital bound...Although,
Last week I did almost convince myself that I was going crazy. I was so low about finding out my diagnosis and all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and hide. I dont want to have to take care of myself..I want to be able to hide start forget everything and BE NORMAL...but those arent grounds for being admitted to the psych center...are they?

I have never been to the hospital and it isnt my life desire to go there...but I want to be able to get away from my problems.

The problem is that I know if I go into the hospital...I am going to be the worlds worst patient. I HATE AUTHORITY and I would hate people telling me what to do..and honestly ...I wouldnt do everything they wanted. I wouldnt go to group therapy, I would want a room by myself, and I wouldnt want to be forced to eat...if Im not hungry Im not hungry...(I can get very stubborn)

I would be a nightmare and give them a run for their money...and it would freak me out because I get aggressive when I am scared or angry and scared and if this were to happen...I would then really realize how "sick" I truly was...I feel like the world is so much healthier than I am and I am jealous...I know if I were in the hospital they would be pumping me full of tranquilizers...which would be horrible for me knowing that I was truly losing it...

But in all honestly...that is how I feel.
I dont know what to do or what direction to take.




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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:Amandafran thread:697716