Posted by ElaineM on October 3, 2006, at 18:24:17
In reply to Re: way back last Friday, posted by Lindenblüte on September 30, 2006, at 22:01:46
I hesitated writing back about this because I've already actually skimmed that book before. When I was going through a crazy-making time with LadyT, dancing around that land mine of a subject, I'd be so out of it and desperately panicked - frantic with needing to know more, or something, or whatever. And I'd be afraid to be alone after sessions (they were only once a week with her) so I'd have the book store baby-sit me. I'd pick out all the "scary books" (like the one you quoted from) and leaf through all of them there. Cause, you know, as long as I didn't buy them, didn't have them in my house, I could forget about it all a little more when I'd leave them behind to be re-shelved. I felt bad for the poor workers cause I'd sit for hours and then get to a frightening part or chapter and then I'd just run out leaving a stack of books where I'd been sitting.
I have two shelves of ED books, three on Cutting, two on BDD, but only one of the more benign ones (if there is such a thing) on this subject. But I know that cover well.
It's strange that I could read tons of ED texts, and biographies and feel comfort from that -- I know it's probably cliched to say, but I read "Wasted" about a million times each time my weight plummeted and I felt saver knowing that she had survived. But it doesn't work the same for this other subject. Honestly, I don't even like saying the actual name for the differenct versions of it. I can say physical abuse, trauma (sometimes, though it still makes me nervous saying it)......actually this is kinda leading into the paragraph I left out from the "way back last Friday" post.
I'm afraid to say more cause I feel like I'd be about to tell everyone how they could kill me if they wanted to -- That I'd be arming everyone with daggers and telling them what to do with it.
====
About your first quote...It does resonate with me too. I wrote a whole thing out on that subject and tried to read it to T (before he changed) for weeks and couldn't do it cause it was so humiliating. As though you were admitting to someone that you don't know how to breathe, or tie your own shoe, or something else that should be second-hand and ingrained by the time you're an adult. And all he said after I finally read it outloud was, "..but that's not true. You just don't realize it."
That's it! I felt pretty stupid, but I knew that he evidently didn't get what I was trying to say, so I stopped writing about how frantic it feels to not have a core self, and stuff like that.About the second quote...I feel like I may have mentioned something about that before, but I can't remember if it was on here. ....I'd better leave it out just incase.
>>>>>>As a client, you should ask your T if he has anybody who is serving as a consult or a supervisor for his clinical work. That you are having a hard time understanding the clinical boundaries, and that it's making it hard for you to be open with him. That you'd like a review of what the contract is. What is expected of you: that you'll pay, that you'll be completely 100% open 100& honest. And of him: that he'll honor the session's time restrictions, that he'll be accepting and non-judgmental, that he'll be explicit about what his availability is outside of session time.
***In that paragraph you sound like the booklet that CC gave me.
But I kinda know where the boundaries are right now. Unless he's on vacation or out of town at a conference or has one of his kids in crisis, he's always available, physically or by phone - whatever time. He asks me to call him all the time, even after midnight -- though I told him I never would unless I was in dire trouble, cause I'm afraid of the phone. (I'd say more about the phone, but I can't remember if I've mentioned about this before and I'm to lazy to go back and read). He's booked an extra half hour now after my session which has expanded over the last several months from 50mins to an hour and a half, three days a week. I don't have a therapy-plan (that's what you mean by contract right?). In the beginning I said I didn't care enough to have one, and that I was fine with him meeting me once a week because it was what LadyT wanted. If I ever had a goal it was probably to not run away from treatment because I was going to someone unfamiliar, and to learn that some men can be safe. ... ......... :-( :"( ...... okay, that's a hard one now, gotta push it away.
changing subjects...
I'm glad you like your new T. It's funny you mention her accent. Cause I've been staring at a name of a female T (who may be taking new patients) and her last name suggests that she probably has a certain accent -- the same as one of my grandma's. This woman's not old enough to be my grandma but I've been thinking about what she could be like, building her up into this wonderful, comforting, loving lady, simply because of her last name. I'm too afraid to call her (plus I think her practice would be another one of the bureaucratic traps I couldn't get passed -- like this physician I saw yesterday. Sorry I can explain further then that)
Li, I love hearing from you. I feel like we are all learning together. You make me feel stronger and less alone then I am. I'm really so glad that you've found someone.
blove EL
poster:ElaineM
thread:687876
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060926/msgs/691605.html