Posted by ElaineM on September 30, 2006, at 18:10:37
In reply to (((((El))))) (nm), posted by sunnydays on September 28, 2006, at 14:57:55
I typed this after last Friday and was debating whether or not it would hurt my T to say this. But it's kinda where I'm stuck right now so....
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Friday was the most painful thing to witness. First of all, he apoligizes all the time, and then says things like "No, I'm not going to
apoligize anymore.".... like he had a conversation with himself. Not that he's schizo or anything, but you know how sometimes when you start to talk to someone you jump into your own train of thought a sentence or two ahead, and the person is like "Where did that come from?" Well, he does that sort of thing alot. He seems so very torn up and conflicted about his feelings and expressing them.It is hard for me to convey on the board the sensitive side to the things he says and does -- it just doesn't seem appropriate and it's a little embarassing and confusing for me. But I've been feeling bad about this because I think that that stuff would sort of tone down the "predatory" vibes that most get from my accounts of what he says and does.
But last Friday, he started to break down saying that his feelings are so strong, and he knows that he shouldn't be having them. His eyes were red and he had to wipe them a few times with kleenex. He could barely say stuff - IT WAS SOOOOOO PAINFUL to watch. He was just aching.
During that he said to me that he hopes that he hasn't scared me away, and that I don't think his love is only a therapeutic tool, or that his love is disgusting. He actually said disgusting, MY word :'( It was so hard. He said he was trying to control it, but wanted me to know that his feelings come from his heart and are genuine. He said he knew others would not understand and say, it's wrong, and it couldn't happen like this, and it's not appropriate, but he doesn't care. He said he couldn't control it happening and that he wrestled for over a month deciding whether to tell me or not. He says he is embarassed that I didn't love him back right away. He said his feelings sometimes get so strong that he is blind to everything else, and that he sometimes has problems restraining them. He said he is sad that he can't have me as a woman. Even though I'm NOT a woman, or hardly one. And I hate hearing stuff like that. (but that was the only sexual-type thing he said that session)
He looked so broken and sad. He said he can't stand how sad he is. I know he is not saying it to be predatory. He debased himself way too much for it to be a trick. It's bad enough that I can't love him back, and that he knows it would be wrong for him to force me too -- he would never do that. I asked him if it would help him to give me to someone else, and he said no.
I don't know why or how he could feel so strongly for me. I think I may have been the first patient to be this age, and SO weak and alone and maybe that makes it easier to be emotional -- kinda like being with me is the same as being alone. Plus, there's aspects of our histories that are very similar. I want to take care of him -- though I know I shouldn't have to, and he knows I don't have to. His pain is greater than mine -- it's been growing for longer. He asked for a hug when I was leaving and so I let him hug me for a long time. He was hugging so tight that I couldn't breathe, and everytime I went to see if I could pull away he'd hold on tighter. But while he had been talking I kept envisioning myself going and sitting beside him to hold him.
What am I going to do? I know I'm not "supposed" to, but how do I fix him? How would I help him if he was just a regular man in my life? I don't know what's what. ????
(I've left out the last paragraph that I wrote today, I'm just not sure if I can post it yet, cause I'm scared of it. Plus, things are changing again, I think)
poster:ElaineM
thread:687876
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060926/msgs/690614.html