Posted by ElaineM on October 7, 2006, at 19:19:35
In reply to Re: breakdown beginning **trigs, suicide, SI, posted by caraher on October 7, 2006, at 5:14:29
Thanks Caraher. I just feel like I've been waiting years and years for the hopeless feeling to be proved wrong -- and it never is. When I think the sh*t is over, it always turns out that it's only more of the middle, if not still the beginning. God help me if it's only the beginning.
You are kind for saying stick around. But if the past is any indication of what will happen, then I won't kill myself. H*ll, if I wasn't such unconfident, anxious, Incompetent I would've killed myself years ago -- if not just let the anorexia take me. I'm pretty sure that it was a passive-aggressive attempt at a protracted suicide anyways. But don't worry, I doubt I have the guts yet. The desperation and despair is there, but not the courage -- or maybe just not the energy. And I don't want to sound too gruesome, but when I do kill myself, if it's not is one of those crazed detached states, then it will not be something rash -- It will be my best calculated attempt. Each time I go through a bad period I become less and less afraid of it. I just wish I knew when it would come, so the waiting wouldn't be so torturous.
I'm really sorry for sounding like this, but I can't help it. I can't stop crying. It stops but starts again, when I didn't think I had anything left. Each pill I take, each pain, each easy task that defeats me......there's like an endless amount of powerful sparks. They start the tears all over again. If it's spilling out on the board, and infront of T, then it's not in my power to hold it in anymore. I'm sorry. It's not easy to read -- probably more frustrating than anything for you. I understand. But I can't help it. I just can't anymore :"(
You are a lovely person for taking it. I've gotta stop myself.
blove, EL
poster:ElaineM
thread:687876
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060926/msgs/692819.html