Posted by ElaineM on September 26, 2006, at 14:35:59
In reply to Re: responses to Rambing **trig? » ElaineM, posted by muffled on September 25, 2006, at 18:25:39
Thanks Muff.
>>>>And he should understand that sometimes a woman just wants to talk to another woman, and not a man.
You see, I thought he understood that. Before our relationship changed (and he actually seemed excessively distant and cold before), we spent alot of time talking about how important it was for me to be able to hear from LadyT every now and then. And moreso, how terribly significant it was that I could trust LadyDoc and allow her to touch me, considering all the medical stuff I'm going through. Up until the anorexia, I avoided doctors like the plague. I never went -- would deny I was sick, because when my sis and i were growing up we used to get in trouble when we were physically ill. We'd get in so much sh*t if we threw up, or needed to be taken places, esp. the hospital. But I was often not taken for help until something was way out of hand and required a trip to Emerg instead of the doctors. The docs at ER used to joke that they'd put a sign out with my name on it to reserve my family a parking spot, because every winter I ended up on the ped. floor. I was there at Christmas once and even got a present from my nurse. When I got older we used to just get laughed at or insulted if we were sick. Once I remember my sis had a fever of like 102.5 and she fell down the stairs cause she was so weak and they both laughed at her. They even refused to believe that I was AN, even when first scary/angry-womanPdoc forced me to have them in to see her and SHE explained it all. She was like, "She's going to die. How can you not notice?" And they turned to me and kept trying to get me to just admit that I was only on drugs instead. ....anyways, I ramble....
Plus, I've refused to let male doctors touch me since I was forced to ER once when I was emaciated for the first time. A male student was allowed to do my exams (humiliating ED exams) infront of two others, and I was so ashamed. I have a not-nice history too. So to let a physician touch me and not think of other worse things, was a big deal.
He had always said that he understood that, and that he wasn't in competition with female professionals from my past. He said that he KNEW I needed a positive female figure to learn to not be afraid of. HE SAID HE GOT IT :"( I guess not though. I don't know.
>>>>> its him thats trying to push the boundaries of the T relationship.
I'm not using this as an excuse, but he doesn't see it like this. He honestly sees it as a 50/50 split. He said that I kept on and on at him, letting him know that I wasn't benifitting from the "regular" way. I've told him many times since that I didn't mean he had to change everything. Honestly, all I remember saying was that I wished he could seem more like LadyT to me. But she was NOT like this. Obviously. I really just wanted him to do the same mirroring as her, and not speak with so much fluff. Like, repeating my words verbatum in his responses, or saying all the stock phrases. I even told him to please just say nothing at all. Just listen, if he was only gonna act like a textbook. I'm not saying LadyT wasn't "by the book" or didn't have boundaries. She was, and did, but she pulled it all off while still seeming like a "regular person" with genuine concern and feelings. This is something else entirely.
You know, when I look back at her now from this vantage point, she does seem a bit cold. And that makes me really sad. I wouldn't have noticed that before if I wasn't so "used" to the way T acts now. I hope with all my heart that she didn't just see me as a plant she was experimenting on. I could not withstand hearing that his view of her was true.
But then, I do want an IRL friend more than anything.....I'm afraid I'm asking for both things at once....I don't know. The more I try and think my way through everything, the more confused I end up. :(blove, EL
poster:ElaineM
thread:687876
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060926/msgs/689401.html