Posted by daisym on September 25, 2006, at 20:15:07
Most of you know that I think I have the world's best therapist. And I still think that.
But for the past few weeks, or maybe even months, I can't shake the feeling that he is pulled back and closed off from me. I'm terrified that he has this secret plan to terminate the therapy somehow. Nothing he says or does reassures me for very long.
He has admitted to having a very intense thing going on in his personal life. He only told me because my radar picked up on it and I immediately assumed that he was upset with me for something. He said he is less available than he has been in the past between sessions because of this thing but if I need him, he is still there for me. I bounced back and forth for a few weeks between being understanding and OK with this and being a brat about his unavailability. And to be clear - he didn't cut back sessions, or not return calls, or anything concrete. I just *felt* like I wasn't supposed to need him anymore.
The brat finally melted down into a sad little puddle. I asked him if he didn't want me to love him anymore -- was I too much? I wanted to know if my feelings were pushing him back or getting in the way of our work. He didn't hesitate, he looked me straight in the eye and said, "no, I don't want that. I'm not thinking that at all." But it is so hard for me to believe him.
Today was pretty hard. I was all shut down and far away. He said it didn't feel good that I didn't trust him. And that I was doing to him what I said he was doing to me -- shutting him out. He said it hurt. And then he said if this is what I needed to do to feel safe, then he would respect that. But he really wished I could talk to him about what was happening inside me, that usually I feel better when we can get it out in the open. I know that. But everything I try to say sounds stupid.
When I left I said, "I miss you." He said, "I still right here. I'll wait."
The tears finally broke through. What is wrong with me? Why can't I believe he isn't going away or wants to get rid of me? Why can't I find a way to reconnect to my safe base? I feel so lost and alone. He used to be the answer. Now he is part of the struggle.
I feel like I'm drowning in 2 feet of water and don't know how to stand up. I need some help...
poster:daisym
thread:689207
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/689207.html