Posted by kerria on August 5, 2006, at 15:41:43
Today i went to my psychiatrist. This pDr i found through going to Sidran office, and crying for a referral. i had just found out by accident that i had DID and was trying to find help.
The past six years i've seen him- sometimes it was a good relationship and sometimes bad- i have parts and all my relationships are like that. Most people don't understand why but he knows- it dodn't matter though- he thinks the worst about me just the same as if he didn't know that i had parts.
After talking to one- or maybe two parts and not hearing all sides of the story- why i called and wanted to see him- he concluded that i always am in crisis and that it's never the T's way of doing thereapy- but my fault- for getting upset not to take it.
i can't live with myself after an angry part came out during therapy and i had flashbacks because of whay M had said to me. The angry part makes me feel afraid- like i will cut myself or have a car accident everytime i drive.
my psychiatrist thinks that it's good- i should just stick with it. i'm in too much pain to go on. He forgot he made an appt with me today. i did get back to him about the time. Seeing me made him upset- that i wasted his time- only 15 min.--he couldn't understand why i wanted to see him. i thought that he would understand why therapy upset me. That he would be able to help set the inside parts in order so i could function again--i tried to tell how i can't function at work- that more than one part was coming to work and the switching made me forget things and be late- littles would be home playing and i would lose time not knowing what happened- at work they don't understand and they treat me badly because of the way parts act.
(He caustically said, "I don't think you're in danger of losing your job.") like that mattered- i can't function ANYWHERE .
There isn't understanding at home. feel so unloved at home. tears. i'm giving up on therapy- no one understands and helps the pain inside. PsyDr is critical- blaming me for everything wrong. i hate myself.
So tired of physical and psych pain of being criticized by everyone who doesn't understand parts. It's so hard to live this way- it's a confusing frustrating mess and i'm blamed for what i can't control. It's a lost battle.i called T to stop therapy- we quit- no one appreciates how hard and triggering it is. No one is ever there to pick up the pieces. we're too hurt to try anymore.
we said it all before he says- "somehow we manage to go on." he wishes i hadn't:(So tired of being like this- of hurting so badly and having no answers to how to function any better. i wonder if a lot of people just goof on people in their hard times here at babble- i hate my life.
i wish i could get out of it without hurting my kids. it's exactly like torture to live- the flashbacks and losing time and no one understanding hurts so much every part's life is wrecked since the last hard time of therapy- we can't do anything we want to do. No control anymore.tears,
kerria
why was my dr who i trusted so cynical and cruel tto us? What does he lose by not being a jerk? He knows we have physical pain that needs surgery to resolve- terrible triggering pain. He knows we have parts. Why can't ONE person be on my side EVER?
tears
poster:kerria
thread:674038
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060721/msgs/674038.html