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not to mislead you llrrrpp

Posted by ElaineM on June 26, 2006, at 9:42:55

In reply to Re:info help ElaineM, posted by llrrrpp on June 25, 2006, at 21:19:58

ll: Thanks for reassuring me about the web stuff. (And I did go back and read some of my posts again).

I think I might have mislead you though. I'm not going to make a complaint against him. I never ever would. I was only thinking that if something written existed, then I could read it and not have to question his intentions. I thought it could be proof of his goodness of badness. That's really the only reason I was looking into lists. (Though it was nice to see that he is a member for real.)

Also, I'm not getting rid of him really. I think we care about each other, and I think he might need me a little. However, I do now believe that he can't be my T. He doesn't sound anything like the good ones others have. (I've never even heard of some of the concepts mentioned in other threads, and he doesn't like SI stuff.) And I'll probably need help with that now.

I would like to talk to a female T, but I will always be his friend. I would see the woman secretly (I couldn't tell him I was stopping) I would be too alone without him. And he was already sad yesterday when I said I'd have to leave early on Wed.

It's true I'm not comfortable leaving. I'm afraid of meeting someone new. I'm afraid of both not being able to say what I need to, and that I will. I'm afraid of letting something slip. I'm afraid she will not speak to me if I can't be less evasive. And I'm afraid of SI. (I'm even kind of afraid that she won't show up too.)

Worse, I'm building this up to be an end. Like, all I have to do is speak on Wed and everything will magically fix, only cause I worked so hard to open my mouth. At best, it is only a beginning. And when I think about it that way I don't want to start this at all. It's too hard, and my insides are too tired. I don't believe I'm going to do this! I'm going to go, and I will try to speak, but I barely understand that this is happening. (I just didn't want you to think I was saying I was going to do something that I'm not, and can't.)

(Also, in another post it sounds like I said, go away with him next weekend. I didn't mean the whole thing. Only one day, and not overnight.)

llrrrpp, thanks for all your words :)




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poster:ElaineM thread:660687