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Re: not to mislead you ElaineM

Posted by llrrrpp on June 26, 2006, at 12:32:22

In reply to not to mislead you llrrrpp, posted by ElaineM on June 26, 2006, at 9:42:55

> ll: Thanks for reassuring me about the web stuff. (And I did go back and read some of my posts again).

> I think I might have mislead you though. I'm not going to make a complaint against him. I never ever would. I was only thinking that if something written existed, then I could read it and not have to question his intentions. I thought it could be proof of his goodness of badness. That's really the only reason I was looking into lists. (Though it was nice to see that he is a member for real.)
You know what? something written DOES exist. It exists from a credible source. It is something YOU wrote. Maybe you don't take yourself seriously. You may be so conflicted and wrapped up in this that you don't realize the extent to which your T has manipulated your feelings. Just imagine if someone else had written the posts. Just imagine if you cared about that person. What advice would you give her?

> Also, I'm not getting rid of him really. I think we care about each other, and I think he might need me a little. However, I do now believe that he can't be my T. He doesn't sound anything like the good ones others have. (I've never even heard of some of the concepts mentioned in other threads, and he doesn't like SI stuff.) And I'll probably need help with that now.

You're not going to get rid of him as a person, but the more I read, the more it sounds like you need to extricate yourself from the relationship. Of course you care about him. Therapists are very skilled at adjusting and manipulating the therapeutic relationship. Ideally it would be in the best interests of the client. In your case, the relationship is making you sick; and this is very scary for me, because I care what happens to you. You have warning bells going off in your head, and the people who respond to your posts have warning bells going off too. We're worried about you.

> I would like to talk to a female T, but I will always be his friend. I would see the woman secretly (I couldn't tell him I was stopping) I would be too alone without him. And he was already sad yesterday when I said I'd have to leave early on Wed.

You don't have to think he's a bad person. But honestly, wouldn't a friend care enough to make his friend better? Wouldn't a true friend feel bad about taking money for therapy and not providing therapeutic services? Wouldn't a true friend worry about what effect his actions are having on the delicate mental state of a friend? Wouldn't a friend worry about providing mixed messages- romantic face touching, gestures consistent with marriage proposal, invitations for a friendly outing, yet, taking place in the therapy office? These are things that I would never impose on a friendship. He's taking a lot from you, and giving nothing but pain and hurt in return. Maybe in the past your therapy was more productive, but enough is enough.

> It's true I'm not comfortable leaving. I'm afraid of meeting someone new. I'm afraid of both not being able to say what I need to, and that I will. I'm afraid of letting something slip. I'm afraid she will not speak to me if I can't be less evasive. And I'm afraid of SI. (I'm even kind of afraid that she won't show up too.)
Of couse you're not comfortable leaving. That's perfectly natural. You have an intimate relationship with your T (emotionally intimate) and he's using that to hold onto you. You're captured, but not by your own free-will, rather, because he has manipulated you into thinking that you're necessary for his survival. You feel morally obliged to help him, but actually- the most important obligation you have is to yourself. A lot of us don't realize this. I'm guilty of it myself. When I have been very depressed in the past few months, there were many points at which I wasn't living for myself. The only reason I was hanging onto life was because of important relationships I had. But I also know, that for most of my life, I loved myself. And in order to love someone else, truly, you have to love yourself (even just a little). Loving yourself is what the T is supposed to be helping you with. I really hope that you can make some progress on that with your new T. It takes a lot of time, particularly if you've been in difficult relationships. But ultimately, every person deserves to love, and be loved for who s/he is. And if therapy can make that happen, it is worth the struggle.

> Worse, I'm building this up to be an end. Like, all I have to do is speak on Wed and everything will magically fix, only cause I worked so hard to open my mouth. At best, it is only a beginning. And when I think about it that way I don't want to start this at all. It's too hard, and my insides are too tired. I don't believe I'm going to do this! I'm going to go, and I will try to speak, but I barely understand that this is happening. (I just didn't want you to think I was saying I was going to do something that I'm not, and can't.)

I know it's only a beginning. It's a really hard way to start, and it's the start of something major. That's why I'm so proud of you that you are taking the right steps- going to the student center, going to make an appt. with a new T, posting here. These are all significant steps. I realize that Wed. is not the final goal, but it is the next step. And healing is a long and arduous process. But you can do it. When you have the right support, you can do lots. You're smart, and articulate, and even though your emotions are very difficult for you to interpret and put in context, you have the intelligence to learn what they are telling you. Your T should be able to help you interpret these emotions, and figure this stuff out. If you cannot speak about these emotions, then your T cannot help you (that's regarding the old T). Your new T will have to get to know you, but I have a lot of hope for you. I think you can get started on the right path.

> (Also, in another post it sounds like I said, go away with him next weekend. I didn't mean the whole thing. Only one day, and not overnight.)

Hmm, I'm not sure that this is a good idea. Does it feel like it's going to make YOU better? be 100% selfish. Is the trip going to help ELAINE? If not, then why are you going?

> llrrrpp, thanks for all your words :)

Elaine, Thank YOU for all of your words. It means a lot to me that you trust me enough to tell me this stuff and be honest and open about it. It takes a lot, and I know that.

your friend,




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