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You were right **trigger ?**

Posted by ElaineM on June 23, 2006, at 16:53:09

(Not sure if trigger. Mentions will to live through an illness a bit)

Now I'm sure something is definately broken. And really worried. Before, I only partly believed what you all were saying. I still wanted to think that my T and I were a version of regular. I was letting your momentum carry me through my doctors appointment. But now I know he's not being therapeutic, but only friend-like. He said the two were the same, but I'm sure from what you've all said of yours that it's not.

We had a session today and he could tell I was really sad and out of it. He asked what was wrong so I started talking about how the week had been really stressful and that I was feeling really depressed. (It was so hard talking about being upset and having to dance around the reason.) And then I started beginning to cry a little, and when I get upset and am being proded I started getting worked up about an ongoing medical thing I'm dealing with too. Like once the door opens a crack, all the stuff I'm able to push to the back of my mind comes flooding out.

He kept saying how sorry he was, and how much he cares, and how he would do anything in the world to help me. I felt so guilty. More than I ever have in my life. He seemed so vulnerable and lonely. And then he rose from his chair and came and knealt infront of me holding both my hands. (He's never done it before knealing!) I know he wasn't doing this purposely, but I have issues with that position. It's like a proposal move, or something, and part of my problems is dealing with the fear and upset of not being engaged, and being too disgusting for another man. So I mean, I know I'll always over-exaggerate stuff related to it, but I couldn't bare him saying all his "I'll always be with you" words like that. Cause no one can guarantee that.

And I started going on about how hard each day is with this medical issue, and it takes all of me to find new strength each day. And then he said, "Please, please keep trying." And I said, "I am. I always do. I'm trying my best everyday. I don't like that I feel desperate enough to think of giving in" And he said, "No not that. Keep trying with me." (like our practising things) I felt that heavy-air feeling, and my heart jumped into my throat. What did he mean, Not that?! And then he said the worst thing any T has ever said to me. He said, "Promise to stay alive, do it for me."

You don't ask that of another person! You just don't! It's not fair. I can't promise it for any family, or myself, and he'd ask me to do it for him?! It's not a fair request, and he doesn't know what living with this thing feels like. And I didn't know what to say. My hands were shaking.
(They still are) You can't over-ride your own will, you can't fabricate perseverance cause someone asks you to. Even if you love them.

My head was spinning and the session went on forever. Lately it's been 1h - 1 1/2hours. But it was like 1h45 minutes. I even saw a patient after me, which I haven't in months. (I guess cause I missed a day) Before I left he asked me if I would like to go with him to a neighbouring town next weekend, cause he has to see someone there. I don't even know where it is, but he said it would be like a ride through the country. ANd I live in a huge city, so it must be kinda far. I froze and he said, "Don't say no. Think about it. It will be good for you." What is happening? Why is it happening, after I learned to care for him so much! Why did it change so extreme?

And I'm 80% sure he only has friendly intentions. He seemed very innocent and oblivious to how distressing it could be for me. But I can't help questioning everything now. I mean, I doubt if anything would actually happen, but it's the creation of the opportunity that scared me. I've got myself worked up into thinking the worst. I've never been scared of him before (only scared of the acts), but I don't know.

I think writing so much about him here is making me paranoid. I still think he's not being predatory. I think he just cares alot, maybe too much. But I was so freaked out and shaky that I walked to a Psych. center and asked for an appointment, thinking, This is the last time I try. And the guy was young and nice, and asked what for. And I stammered out, To talk about my relationship with another T. I think he could tell I was upset, and he gave me one for Wed. So that's better. And it's a woman. That's better than July 7th. I can last until Wed without bursting right? And then she will help me and tell me what to say to fix everything. And maybe she will keep me, and then she can be my T, and he can just be my friend. I can do this, right. I can wait, it's not so long. Wed is not so far. And I didn't SI.





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