Posted by ElaineM on June 19, 2006, at 16:02:19
In reply to Re: Karolina » ElaineM, posted by Karolina on June 18, 2006, at 23:15:40
All: I saw my T today and I told him that I had to cancel my next appointment. Just one though. I'll be seeing my doctor this week for a pre-scheduled appointment and I thought that if I saw him right before that I'd be too nervous, and feel too guilty, to even mention the problem even in the smallest way. He was really sad. I've only tried to cancel once before. It was the session right after the first time he gave me a present and I freaked out. It's kind of dumb now that I think back but it made me really confused. I sort of thought that I'd have to give him something in return. (I kind of did, though something small. It was the only time I've ever asked if he wanted me to hug him back.) He was sad then too and kept saying how important it was for me to be there, and to please try really hard because he misses me when I'm not there. He said a version of the same this time and kept saying that we could meet somewhere else instead, closer to my home, or at a later time in the day. I kept saying that it wouldn't be possible and that I wouldn't want him to rearrange his day incase I was late or there was a problem.
I feel so guilty. Now I get to add Liar to my diagnosis. And I'm so nervous about my doctor. She has no idea at all that I'm going to burden her with this. It will be so out of the blue. I only started thinking of maybe telling her last week, when I knew this appointment was already coming up.
I'm so two-faced. I saw him for a little bit on Father's Day (but I bailed on the boat idea) and he even gave me a flower. It was only one but I still took it! And I said Thankyou and smiled and let him hug me (or hugged him, I don't know). Then today he kept touching my face and it was driving me crazy. I told him before that touching my face makes me feel uncomfortable (it does more than other parts of me) but I think he forgot. I only said it twice maybe. The more I write on here, the worse I am at being okay with his closeness. Even the stuff that is benign. But there is a big part of me that wants to cry and fight to keep him even closer. I hate myself.
I don't know if I can do this. I already feel like I'm going to be sick. I'm going to burst out of myself being this afraid. In the end I always cave. I hope I don't go see him before, but I might not be able to help it.
Elaine
Sorry I haven't got around to responding much. But thank you for your input, Falls, Tofu, Racer. (hoping you read this)
poster:ElaineM
thread:657557
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060615/msgs/658776.html