Posted by Tamar on February 24, 2006, at 17:59:05
In reply to Re: Iíve changed my mind: itís too scary (TRIGGERS, posted by B2chica on February 24, 2006, at 13:02:51
> i think you got your message across very well in what you just wrote. maybe take those words to your T. this must be terrifying for you. if it's to terrifying there's nothing saying you absoultely have to tell your T now. maybe talk around the subject if you can, or write it down first. only when you can Tamar, only when you can.
Iíd love to take my post to him but I worry heíd freak out or tell me it was inappropriateÖ Rationally Iím pretty sure he can hear it, but emotionally Iím terrified. But I want so much to tell him how important the connection is to me. And youíre right: itís only when I canÖ
> i'm sorry you felt so bad you had to SI. please take care of your wounds. your body has been hurt enough, believe me i know how much self-hatred can run through ones veins when wanting to SI and i only want to say i wish i could hold your hand at those moments.
Yeah; itís amazing how much I can hate myself and yet how much better I feel after I SI. Thanks for saying the thing about holding my hand. That sounds very niceÖ
> it's so hard not to act on those feelings. you must have been doing sometype of coping skill that you've managed to only now cut your breasts. think back to what held you back before.
I think what held me back before was the fear that if I cut my breasts Iíd do almost anything. And I donít know where I go from here. Maybe Iíve broken a kind of taboo; but maybe thatís a good thing. I dunnoÖ
> i know once i found a new spot, it's SO easy to continue...i can only hope this is not true for you and i hope you don't harm yourself. you deserved to be loved and cared for inside AND out.
Ah yes, the new spot thing. I want to do it constantly. Iím watching endless Friends videos with my six year-old so that I donít reach for the knife.
Being loved and cared for inside and out sounds like a wonderful dream. Iíd like that so much. And yet, I know rationally that many people love me. Maybe I just want EVERYONE to love me. AhhhÖ