Posted by Tamar on February 24, 2006, at 9:27:58
In most ways my session today was pretty good. I talked about lots of stuff that I hate talking about. He was his usual encouraging self. He was careful and sensitive.
BUT… I was finding it pretty hard going. And at one point, when we were talking about faith, I asked him, “Are you religious?” And he said something like, “I don’t think it’s helpful to tell you my perspectives on things.” And I said, “Oh right; OK,” and we carried on.
I wasn’t at all distressed that he didn’t answer my question. I didn’t ask out of any burning desire to know; it simply crossed my mind at that moment. And of course his answer came as no surprise to me.
But I was stunned at my reaction to his answer. I spent the rest of the session trying not to cry. I’m pretty sure I asked him the question just in order to feel that trusting him was the right thing to do; I wanted to feel more connected to him because I was feeling pretty freaked out by the words that were coming out of my mouth. But instead he pushed me away.
I wish he’d heard what I was really asking. I wish he’d asked me why I wanted to know, so I could have said, “I don’t really have an urgent need to know; I’m just feeling curious about you because I'm telling you so much about myself and I don't know anything about you.”
But I don’t know how to ask for what I really want. I don’t know how to stay feeling safe and connected when I start getting really freaked out. And when I feel as if I want to reach out to him, hoping he’ll steady me (metaphorically), he seems to withdraw.
I came home and cut my arms, and then I cut my breasts for the first time. I’ve been wanting to cut my breasts for ages. In fact, I’d like to cut them off completely.
Why can’t I just tell him I want to stay connected to him? That’s not outrageous, is it? But… what if he refuses? What will I cut then?
How did I get so repulsive?
poster:Tamar
thread:612762
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060211/msgs/612762.html