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OCD is quite a bit better

Posted by Dinah on January 27, 2006, at 10:50:01

I've quit taking Risperdal because I think it was encouraging a split between my rational self and my emotions, and I sort of suspect that that split is the driving force behind my OCD.

But now I'm just so depressed. Not suicidal. Knowing that we're all my son has left has stopped me from feeling actively suicidal. But I don't feel like anything will ever get better.

It feels like, aside from my son and husband, I've lost everything. I feel stupid saying that, since I'm surrounded by people who've lost their homes and their photographs and mementos and literally everything. I feel like a bad person even to feel that way when I should be feeling grateful.

But I feel like I've lost my daddy, my harry, and now my therapist (although I see him weekly). I've lost my cognitive powers, I've lost my hope.

I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. But losing my therapist was always something I didn't think I could bear. And though I see him every week, I feel like I've lost him nevertheless. Maybe what I've lost is the feeling that he gives a fr*ckin d*mn about me. It was all an illusion. Smoke and mirrors and tens of thousands of dollars later, nearly the cost of a new home, I see the truth. I really was just patient 934 to him. I am so peripheral to him that he just forgets me if I don't remind him of my existence. Yeah, he's got his own problems. But if he really cared, he'd remember me anyway.

Life is nothing but illusions. Things we tell ourselves to get through the day.




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