Posted by Alex Elliott on January 11, 2006, at 8:38:50
In reply to I did the work, posted by Susan47 on January 3, 2006, at 20:37:11
I'm a bit late to the thread and new to the board, but I've been reading your story with great interest. My heart goes out to you. I'm thinking of you with great compassion.
I've just lived through something very similar. I was also obsessed with a T and I decided to terminate to get away from him. I'd written him hundreds of letters and, at the height of my obsession, I'd often write him 7 times a day. One letter would negate or clarify the next. I was in a kind of tightening spiral. It was a really dark period.
Something that helped me was to think in terms of CBT and nueral pathways in the brain. --That I was strengthening my obsession every time I wrote him a letter. I decided to practice *not writing*.
Another thing that helped was to look at the situation with an eye to my own dark side. My hunger for his attention was bottomless and therefore quite terrible! I spent time analyzing it and thinking about the transference angle + things the T did "wrong," --But those meanderings can go on forever (especially if you're obsessive!). I returned to the idea of an unchecked appetite. An insatiable hunger. A hunger that would always bring me pain. I realized that I had to own that hunger. It came from me. It was mine to work with. To learn to deal with. The addiction analogy was helpful.
The obsession isn't over -- I still have many fantasies of him daily, but I'm feeling better. I write the fantasies down. I actually say out loud, "you'll never see him again." I go to the gym and get on the treadmill until my legs are numb. I've thrown myself into work. At New Year's, I thought forward to 2007 and wondered how I'll feel about my ex-T in one year. I expect (and hope) that he'll be a much fainter impression on my brain.
Good Luck, Susan. I wish you relief and some peace. I think that, with work and time, you can get over this.