Posted by Susan47 on January 17, 2006, at 23:12:42
In reply to Re: Dinah..? » Susan47, posted by Dinah on January 16, 2006, at 17:47:30
Yes, thanks, and I do have another appt. already, let me see now ... in just over two weeks, and I hope I'll be okay. I mean, I just need someone to talk to about this stuff, and thank god I've been able to spill my guts online, because if I hadn't had this as an outlet, I can't even think about it. My life could've been destroyed, I mean, maybe even now this ex-T is planning to destroy me. I mean, I understand it would be easy and nice to do that, maybe, if he wanted to if he were that type of person, if he held malice or felt sufficiently maligned without understanding, without enough grace, then yeah, and who would blame him? Nobody. Including me. I'm fair game. Fair game. If he wanted to make a meal of me, lick his chops, so to speak .. I just see him as this.. cougar. Although I KNOW that's supposed to be a synonym or something for a middle-aged female barfly or something like that, and I don't even mean it that way. I just mean, a cat with beady eyes, you know, the cat who ate the canary. Waiting for you silently in the bush.
I have to pretend that he doesn't exist, you know, in order to be able to walk around with my head up. Because even though I'd love to see his face the way he looked at me in the past, it wouldn't be that way. It would be, like, ew. Gross. It's her and now I better run and hide, oh sh*t. You know, like that.. and who could blame him? Hundreds, probably even thousands of empty phone calls to an answering machine by a crazy, CRAZY woman who couldn't hold in her grief and neediness, her need to be seen and heard and loved and accepted. I remind myself a bit of somebody I never wanted to become. I just don't know who. Hey, to anybody if anybody ever reads this, thanks for reading. I'm just grateful to be able to post and feel like I'm anonymous. Because that's just really really important, you know? How can you be honest if you're completely embarrassed by who you are? Does that make any sense? Does any of this?