Posted by Susan47 on January 5, 2006, at 19:57:26
In reply to Re: I did the work » Susan47, posted by muffled on January 5, 2006, at 9:23:04
I've been confused and confusing about this whole thing. I have moments when it's extremely clear, and others when it's all muddy, and no matter what I do, I can't get it clear. But then it swings from one extreme to the other, and I know my thinking about this unstable. I think, logically, that the thing is an emotional problem of my own, I can see through it, kind of, if you know what I mean. It doesn't feel right and nothing about it ever did. It was always messed up and mixed up, for me. I used to think sometimes that it was messed up and mixed up for the therapist as well. I think sometimes therapists have their own stuff and it gets mixed up with ours, sometimes. And I think that's what happened. And I think I have to get over it, if I want to live a real life, again. Because for two years or so, this has been the biggest part of my very painful existence, it's been effing hell. I swear a lot, I used to have SUCH a clean mouth, now I've heard too much and been alone with it too long, and it's oozing out of my pores. I know how to explain this but I don't want to give away so much detail about myself. I'm a real person. I've experienced way beyond what my mind has had the capability to deal with. I never knew I needed help with any of it, but I think I know it now. It's just becoming clear so slowly. And talking about it helps. This helps. My friends, what little they know of me, what more I'm telling them, is helping too. For the first time actually I'm loving my friends as the really wonderful people they are.
Okay. But I can answer your specific questions if you want to Babble me, I really can. I just don't want to say too much here. Because there's stuff I have to protect other people about, as well. I can't just go blindly charging off into the jungle anymore, without knowing the consequences, I mean, I used to really believe I was inconsequential. But I can't be, I can't hide from things even if I try, anymore. I do matter, just not in the way I want to, not always, in any case. It's just, a lifetime of mattering in the wrong way just got me so mixed up, then all the occupational hazards I had, and being so effed up, I had a lot of relationships with a lot of really bad people. Well, I don't know what a lot is, but to me it's more than a few, and bad can be quite bad. :( Not horrible, but quite bad. :(