Posted by Susan47 on January 5, 2006, at 20:11:06
In reply to Re: I did the work, posted by one woman cine on January 5, 2006, at 11:17:41
> I can understand the pain you are going through with this therapy issue. It can be excruciating and at times, seemingly impossible.
Well, it seemingly was impossible because it was so private. I'm not proud of my life, I would have hated to tell this therapist all my truths. I'm ashamed of quite a lot of them.
At the same time, I recognize there's reasons that are deep-seated as to why I am the way I am. I know I want help, I have gotten help last year over several visits with someone who practiced EMDR on me.
> You have stated that you want help and that you have done the work. I'm wondering what work have you done? I am assuming you are not in therapy, & I think - maybe, for a long time posters have been basically pleading with you to get into therapy to try to resolve this.
I'm not fully employed. I can barely afford to pay my basic expenses, another thing I'm not proud of. Ashamed of. I've never been in this position. I've always been able to take more than adequate care of myself, financially. Those days seem so long gone and never possible again, right now.
I can't see someone unless it's free. Which it is, with a psychiatrist whom I see once every few months. But he pushes me for details about the relationship I created with my ex-T's machine ... it's embarrassing. Do you understand how embarrassing that could be, that you're this stupid idiot who can't stop obsessing over spilling her guts into a machine because she thinks she saw her T look at her in a sexual way (staring at my breasts as though he were, and I think I used this terminology once, a dog in heat in a skin that's too tight .. good picture, and accurate from my side of the room, and embarrassing as hell to him, if he thought he'd been caught at it. Which he WAS) Sex. It's one of my "issues", having been raped in the past, more than once, and had men be physically and emotionally violent with me. Only, I had tuned out to myself when I was, like, three. And I don't exactly know why, but I have images of why, sometimes. But I don't know how truly my mind keeps information. I really don't. And if this ex-T knows how I feel, he might even use that against me. In any case, I'm going to go back to a therapist who doesn't know me or my ex-T or maybe in a different place or I don't know what, yet. I really really really want to spill the whole story, without being ashamed of myself. I used to think the ex-T, because he was the only one who knew me through the ans. machine, that he would be safe to spill it with, but he really wasn't, he was just too sexual for me. Or too much that way, in my imagination. Because my mind might not be telling me the truth.
> If you aren't in therapy, why not? This is a really serious issue, for your own sake. This doesn't sound like it's abating for you or diminishing, in fact - it sounds as if it's escalating. Why continue to do this to yourself at this point if you have other options available to you? (ie, therapy, a review board etc. etc.)
For a long long time, I just felt a loyalty to this T because I .. wanted, WANTED him so much, it was crazy. I knew it was crazy, it felt crazy and I acted crazy and he knew it, and I knew it, and it was just impossible to stop without hurting me on some important level, maybe. I don't know. I don't know. I know he's referred to things in a way that's made him seem resentful of having to keep me on as a patient for as much as even the thirteen or so visits I had with him. Not much, is it? But it felt like too much, it was too intense every time, and I don't know why, I don't know why. You bet this is important to me. I don't know why I continue to do this to myself.. I used to think I was doing it to him, too, and he was hating me for it, and I had such bad nightmares I was in hell and I wasn't telling anybody; I had to live with this, I started it and I didn't/don't know how to end it without dying.
Yeah it's serious. I know that. But this helps, anyway.
This does help. It's making it a bit less painful, maybe.