Posted by Damos on October 20, 2005, at 21:59:21
In reply to Re: Anybody else have very *trigger* » Damos, posted by fairywings on October 18, 2005, at 19:25:22
Dear Fairywings,
In all honesty I just don't know how to answer you. I really worry about just blurting out my stuff any old way because what's been okay for me could be completely wrong and even risky for someone dealing with different stuff.
It's important to me that you know that I am Dysthymic and there's no abuse or anything like that in my childhood, so in a sense things for me are pretty straight forward and uncomplicated. It's also important that you know that I've never done the therapy thing - not yet anyway. That doesn't mean that I don't see it as being necessary. I just don't see me as being in a place to do it - yet. What I have done is work with some alternate therapists (energetic healers), because I just didn't feel right, like storing all this stuff was creating actual blockages in me and my personal energy was kind of low and all over the place. And for whatever reason I just found that I could also just talk to these people.
Okay having said all that, I'll try and answer your questions as best I can.
Are they all out? Don't honestly know, but doubt it. I'm just really trying to be more honest with myself about them and experience them 'in the moment' so to speak; to stop sticking them in the 'too hard' basket, and to deal with the ones that come up that are related to past stuff as they appear, and be honest with other people about what I'm feeling. What came up? The biggest one by far was all the stuff related to a miscarriage that I'd just never let myself feel. Once I got through all the hurt there was guilt and shame by the bucket full. It came out in a couple of ways. First I wrote a letter to her on 'Write' around the anniversary of her loss, and then a little while later I was triggered off in a big way by another post. Tears, tears, and more tears, the sensation of not being able to breathe and that my heart was being torn in two. How did I deal with? I ran from my desk, down in the lift and out into the park across the road and stayed there crying my eyes out for a few hours. Afterward I was exhausted and embarrassed but felt better in so many ways and I actually felt physically lighter.
Yes I was very afraid of letting it out, guess that's why I kept it so tightly locked down for so long (17 years). Yep, it was totally overwhelming and out of control. I guess in a way being triggered into it was kinda lucky for me because I didn't get the chance to put all the defences in place and keep it buried. It was coming there and then and that's all there was to it. Fairywings, it seems to me that he invalidated the fact that you were invalidated by your parents, and that's gotta hurt big time. Sometimes anger and frustration come from the build up of pressure related to these feelings we can't let ourselves feel and/or that others have dismissed and invalidated, from feeling like we are neither seen nor heard. Sometimes I think we switch them off because we need to keep functioning in the world, and the things we're feeling are just too much to deal with.
Hope that helps,
poster:Damos
thread:568495
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051018/msgs/569604.html