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Re: Anybody else have very little feelings? fairywings

Posted by Damos on October 18, 2005, at 17:26:49

In reply to Anybody else have very little feelings?, posted by fairywings on October 18, 2005, at 9:39:01

I used to be really good at pretending I didn't have any. To the point where I believed I really didn't. But I did. I just didn't know what to do with them; how to cope with them; how to express them and respond to them. I read soemthing yesterday that really struck home for me.

"Before everything, I used to do this thing when I was upset - I used to take all my feelings and push them down inside me. It was like they were garbage and I was compacting it to get more in. I felt I could keep pushing all my feelings down into my socks and I wouldn't have to worry about them."

It wasn't that I didn't feel. It was more I couldn't afford to. Everything I had went into maintaining the veneer of okayness and I couldn't afford even the tiniest crack. So in the end it was fear, pure and simple, fear of what would happen if I let this stuff out and experienced it. Don't know but maybe it's the same for you in a way. Maybe right now there's so much going on and built up that you just can't afford to let yourself feel it all. I think I've referred to it before as letting the genie out of the bottle. That fear of pulling out the cork cause you just don't know what's gonna happen.

There's another thing that happens with my D that is happening again right now. The need to shut down, cut off, push away everyone and everything - to not feel.

Sorry for the ramble, hope maybe it helped a little.

Thinking of you,
Damos

 

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poster:Damos thread:568495
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