Posted by Tamar on May 11, 2005, at 15:47:13
In reply to Why not advice to forgive our parents? **trigger**, posted by pinkeye on May 11, 2005, at 14:02:43
I think the theory is that you can't truly forgive your father until you have allowed yourself to acknowledge the pain he has caused you.
Forgiveness might come eventually, but if you try to forgive before you're emotionally ready you will still have problems, because you haven't accepted the full extent of the problems he has caused you.
I think anger is supposed to give you a sense of separation from him. If you never become angry at the pain he caused you, then it's as if you are denying how painful it really was.
Once you are able to feel angry, you can assert your individuality and you can begin to feel more self worth.
I think that's the theory, anyway. I didn't have the same problems with my father, but I did (and still do) find it hard to be angry at the men who raped me. I usually can't see the point of being angry about it - it happened and I can't change it. And my T wanted me to be more angry about it. I think he was right - whenever I feel a little bit angry I feel able to say: It wasn't my fault. I didn't deserve what they did. And I don't plan to forgive them, but one day I'd like to make peace with my past.
It's natural to want to defend your dad, but on the other hand, despite his many good qualities, he has hurt you and you didn't deserve it.
(((((pinkeye)))))
poster:Tamar
thread:496463
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050504/msgs/496506.html