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Re: Why not advice to forgive our parents? **trigger** » pinkeye

Posted by Dinah on May 11, 2005, at 20:26:42

In reply to Why not advice to forgive our parents? **trigger**, posted by pinkeye on May 11, 2005, at 14:02:43

I've emotionally divorced my mom. Which means that she can't hurt me, and I can view her behavior from a distance.

But that doesn't mean we don't see each other or I don't treat her well. She relies on me when she wants to, and rightly so. We talk on the phone a few times a week (down from several times a day, thank my therapist). Our relationship is cordial, and as respectful on my part as I can muster.

We don't fight anywhere near as much as we did before I divorced her.

I wish I could say I harbor no anger. Most of the time that's true, I suppose. But I still have knee jerk reactions to things that remind me of things in my childhood. I'm getting more aware of it though.

I don't think forgiveness it at issue with me, exactly. What I would like to cultivate is more compassion towards her, as I would to someone who wasn't in the family and clearly had some serious problems.

Of course, I'm not really sure about forgiveness. I'm not sure I grasp the concept.

How can I *not* be aware that my mother refused to get my father a hospital bed in his last days because she didn't want her house cluttered while simultaneously piling newspaper to the ceiling in several rooms in the house. How can I not be aware that my mother fought me about hiring a night nurse for my father *while he was in a coma and about to die within days* because she didn't want to spend the money, while knowing that she's spent close to $50,000 on things like marble countertops in the five months since he died.

I might not yell at her or hate her for that every second of every day. But it's hard not to be aware of how monumentally selfish she was.

Fortunately for her, I don't have it in me to treat her as she treated my Dad. At least I don't think I do...

 

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