Posted by Tamar on April 13, 2005, at 20:06:13
In reply to Re: worst fear come true? » Tamar, posted by pinkeye on April 13, 2005, at 18:07:21
> I have spoken to my new T about this.. she says, what I am feeling is really about my father, and not about my ex T.
True enough. But if you didn't do termination properly with your ex-T, then I think it really is about him too, in a way. You might have transferred your feelings about your father to him, and then he abandoned you too. So now you have two abandonments to deal with. Is that a possibility?
> But it doesn't relieve me of the hurt that I feel and the abandonment.. And I can see your point, but somehow it just hurts and hurts and hurts. I try to push it away and move on, only to go back to hurting a few days later. Somehow I really trusted my old T, and wanted to do it right so much. But now I feel like screaming to myself and wishing I didn't have to go through it once again. I cannot imagine how stupid I have been to like and trust someone who doesn't like me back yet again. I knew all along he just thought of me as a patient and was indifferent to me. And that is what he told me in the end also. And I know he was honest and sincere, and I didn't really matter to him. But just that it hurts me. And I really don't know how to move on. Somehow I feel it is all my fault.
Yes, it does hurt. And it hurts even more that they don't seem to acknowledge just how painful it is.
If you actually didn't matter to him, then he was really missing out. You are a wonderful person and it's hard to believe that you could fail to touch his life in the way you touch the lives of people here. If you really didn't matter to him, then it's *his* fault, not yours. Poor silly man, not to recognise just how great you are.
I don't know if it's possible to push it away and move on. Somehow I think the most painful thing is having to feel every moment and every little detail of it, over and over.
It's hard work feeling that hurt every day, but eventually (I hope) it will get more bearable. It just takes longer than we expect.
(((((pinkeye)))))
Keep posting about it, and keep talking to your new T. It's the only way through it, I think.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:483783
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050409/msgs/483888.html