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Re: suicidal ideation an addiction? *possible trigger*

Posted by daisym on April 5, 2005, at 12:56:52

In reply to suicidal ideation an addiction? *possible trigger*, posted by B2chica on April 5, 2005, at 12:35:53

We've talk about this a lot lately in therapy.

I think it is about wanting the pain to die. Wanting to kill off that part of you that is hurting so badly. Or wanting to give up. Being too tired to live with it all anymore. To reach out and grab peace.

I also think, with me at least, that old feelings have been triggered off and there were probably suicidal feelings mixed in with the other stuff and it is all surfacing now. And as those feelings surface, I feel out of control and want to stop myself from doing anything hurtful to anyone else. It is extreme and overwhelming.

We've looked for secondary gains -- am I wanting to punish someone, or "prove" that I'm hurting THIS MUCH? Am I trying to get someone's attention? My therapist said that he thinks partly I'm trying to communicate the depth of my pain to him, which is why I'm willing to talk about it.

I think we do get stuck in the obsession. Suicide is seductive, it feels like the ultimate way to control the universe. To have an "out" if needed. It can occupy huge parts of our brain, like some other force is working on the plan, the method and the timing. I've described it lately as being in the clutches of something greater than part *knows* this is a bad solution but some other part insists it is the right one.

Keep fighting these thoughts. Keep talking about them because I've found that they take over in a very scary way if you don't. It is amazing to me that you can be so split as to watch yourself considering this.




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