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Re: suicidal ideation an addiction? ***si trigger* B2chica

Posted by littleone on April 5, 2005, at 21:37:50

In reply to suicidal ideation an addiction? *possible trigger*, posted by B2chica on April 5, 2005, at 12:35:53

B2c, sorry you are feeling this way. I am struggling with this myself at the moment and certainly understand what you're saying.

I think my urges are usually around wanting the pain to end or to have an escape from the pain available. Also, I've struggled with hopelessness a lot. When I can't see any hope, I get tired of trying. I don't see the point in continuing to try to go on or improve. So I try to stop instead. Hope that made sense. I'm finding this very difficult.

**si trigger follows**

Usually when I si it is either because 1) I'm feeling so much pain, the cutting creates a different type of pain, one I can handle, or 2) I'm feeling nothingness and the cutting makes me feel something, or 3) I'm feeling a lot of pain and the cutting makes me numb.

I can kind of understand how all these work and why they become addictive.

However, I had held off si'ing for quite a long time and the addiction to using it to change my feelings just wasn't there for me anymore. But I did get quite another obsession that I don't really understand. I just *wanted* to cut. I don't know if it was because I missed the cuts on my hand, or if I wanted to use the cuts to communicate my pain to people (even though they are usually hidden), or whatever. I don't understand the why. Even when I was feeling good, I still wanted the cuts.

And that's what your post reminded me of. Like sometimes you think about suicide as a solution and other times you think about it simply as an obsession.

The other thing that jumped out to me in your post was the strong impulsivness involved in your urges. I too find it very difficult to resist my impulses.

Sorry I couldn't help. Please know that I'm thinking of you.

 

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