Posted by Shortelise on February 18, 2005, at 13:22:21
In reply to Emotional Abandonment, posted by daisym on February 17, 2005, at 0:45:03
This seems to be a thread that runs through many of us, this feeling of being abandoned / fear of being abandoned.My mother dismissed my feelings from day one, rejected anything she herself didn't feel, couldn't bear for anyone other than herself to get attention, couldn't bear to compliment in any way but an undermining way. She made it clear that I was not entitled to feel, that my feelings were wrong. My sister said to me recently "I was such a weird little kid: I thought crying was bad." to which I replied, "You learned that, sister, you didn't invent it."
So I grew up hating myself for my feelings, unable to ask honestly for what I needed because my needs were not valid.
Am I again digressing?
So, as you mention is sometimes the case, it wasn't physical abuse that caused me to feel abandoned, though I did experience some of that too, but not so awful.
When I began to see in my T someone who validated my feelings, who heard them out, who commiserated, whose eyes sometimes filled for me, part of me wanted to clamp onto him limpet-like and never let go. Part of me wanted to high-tail it out of there and hide under my bed and name the dust bunnies. And part of me was frozen, afraid to do anything.
It is absolutely true that the things that happen in therapy between my therapist and me take on a huge signifigance, and can bowl me over. It's like AH-HA, he looked at me like THIS and that means he really doesn't mean anything he says; it means he is LYING! He's going to slaughter me emotionally, I just know it! It's the fight or flight thing, and the part of me that wanted to flee never won out, so, and I pity my poor T, I fought. The part of me that wanted to flee was not as strong as the hopeful part of me, I think, that hidden bit that somehow was able to keep me going back, that on some level trusted him.
And I trust him to guide me through it all.
Daisy, I guess it's a lot to ask of him, and I know I've said this before, it's his chosen profession, it's what he wants to do. It is not you asking it of him, it's him asking it of himself.
Imagine if you were him, watching you go through all of this, facing things, feeling things, thinking about it, and coming out the other side with insight and strength.
Daisy, you amaze me. You are so insightful, and you insights are so helpful to me.
ShortE
poster:Shortelise
thread:459147
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050218/msgs/459962.html