Posted by vwoolf on February 18, 2005, at 5:36:29
In reply to Emotional Abandonment, posted by daisym on February 17, 2005, at 0:45:03
The other day I experienced an awful feeling of abandonment similar to what the book describes. My husband and I were quarrelling very violently - he shouts and becomes verbally (and physically) abusive - and I was trying desperately to get as far away from him as possible, moving from room to room. I finally reached our bedroom and closed the door. When I saw the door handle start to turn, I backed up into the far corner between a chest of drawers and the wall, and crouched on the floor in a foetal position, clutching my knees. I don't know why I did it, evidently I was responding to some terrible primitive memory. And all I could think was: "I wish my T was here, why isn't my T here, I wish I could call her but I know she'll be busy." My heart was beating madly, and I was trembling all over.
I told my T about the episode yesterday, and she said I was evidently reliving my mother's abandonment - that she never was there to chase my father away, and I must have wished and prayed for her to come and save me. And she never supported or helped me afterwards either, so it never went away. As you say, I encapsulated this feeling of abandonment for most of my life, and it came out when I relived a moment of sheer terror like I'd had as a child.
Luckily my husband stopped when he saw me curled up like that. I know I mustn't do it again - next time he might not stop and I would be very vulnerable in that position. I have told my T and the couple's T we are seeing (in front of him) that I am really physically afraid of my husband now. He is under so much strain that he just seems to snap. I sort of feel that I should move out until things calm down, but they tell me it is not a good time to leave. I trust them, but I feel very scared.